Death and Taxes Archives

Hey, Bosses…no matter what your justification for demanding workers return to the office in the fall, we don’t want to go back. There are obvious exceptions to this rule, but otherwise, your argument for making us is invalid. For convenience and clarity, I’ve created a collective brief to help you reconfigure your priorities and assertions, which can also serve as a cheat sheet for your employees to forward to HR. Here are some current top reasons. Employees should feel free to make this personal: Safety This is supposed to be the most important thing, right? Right??? Well, unless you are clairvoyant with proof of 100% accuracy, you can’t assure anyone’s safety right now. You likely never could. Even science, defined by discovery, doesn’t know everything. So, if you love the thought of endangering your employees for the sake of your own ego or taking up (rented) space, by all means bring them into a potentially-infected group setting and make them wear a mask at their desk. And if you’re one of those bosses who’s ever guilted an employee into coming in with walking pneumonia or during a snowstorm, maybe take this time to get treatment for your flagrant sociopathy. We know who you are, and it’s pretty much the only way you can redeem yourself at this point. Money For those whose industries haven’t dipped devastatingly during the pandemic, you’ve saved tons of money by not having employees in the office. Go ahead and share your electric bill—we dare you. In lights and heating alone, you’ve saved just enough to give everyone a raise. Google estimates they’re saving about $1 billion annually with their employees working from home. So…what are you saving? Do tell! WFH employees pick up the tab on so much, so stop acting like it’s a luxury. Workflow (a.k.a. Micromanaging) We get it—you already wasted all that money on workflow software that everyone hates, so you have to keep the charade going. With all the good folks looking for jobs, surely you can find skilled adults with integrity to complete tasks in the allotted time. You know, like the good old days. And if you STILL think people are more productive in an office, well—haha! That’s just funny. Team Building Is Dumb Trust us, employees who like each other will find a way to connect in a way you’ll never know about. Anything else is boring and outdated. “Forced fun” is forced without the fun part. Keep your pizza parties and weird game days to yourself. Oh, and anyone who said they liked this stuff lied to you. Carbon Footprint “Come Back to the Office” Bosses: Are you planning to prioritize measuring your environmental impact and issue honest reports on your progress? Yes or no? We’ll wait. It’s obvious that cutting daily commuting reduces the carbon footprint. It’s also true that whether you’re at work or at home, there will be workplace emissions. Maybe if WFH employees were given a grant to measure their WFH impact and make environmentally-conscious changes, we could finally make some real workplace change. For now, we’ll start with a no-commute day. Mental Health (and Dogs) For the offices that attempted to integrate dogs into your workday, good for you. There have been countless studies to confirm all the good dogs do for our mental and physical health. Clearly, working from home allows employees to benefit from this beautiful entrainment, and, if even if there’s no dog present, avoiding catching the backend of a manager on an aggressively shrill day has to be pretty amazing for your mental health, too. In sum: You either care about your employees or you don’t. We’re not the same we were before the pandemic and we won’t be the same again. If we’re happy, safe and more productive at home, then leave us be. Despite what the Who said, the new boss isn’t the same as the old boss. We’re watching to see whose side you’re on.

Death and Taxes

HEY, BOSSES! Let Us Work from Home!

Pride Month Held Some Valuable Lessons for Country Music’s LGBTQ+ Community

National Gun Violence Day Honors Victims and Survivors, But It’s Not Enough

Trump’s Impeachment Defense: What About Madonna?

Up in Smoke

Make It Sing

National Treasure

Third Eye Blind’s Stephan Jenkins on His Debt to Black Culture

Emergence Is Interactive: A Jeff Bridges and Susan Kucera Essay on Climate Change

Don’t Tread on Me! Navigating Among the Politically Unmasked

Spike Lee Shares 3 Brothers Short Film With George Floyd, Eric Garner Footage

Stephan Jenkins on Third Eye Blind’s New EP and Why He’s So Pissed Off at the Government’s Response to COVID-19

Sarah Palin Raps ‘Baby Got Back’ on The Masked Singer

Cedric Bixler-Zavala Endorses Bernie Sanders, Rips Former Bandmate Beto O’Rourke’s Biden Support

Flavor Flav Rips Bernie Sanders Campaign for Using Public Enemy Name for Rally: ‘Does Not Approve Your Message!’

Public Enemy to Perform at Bernie Sanders Rally in Los Angeles

The Strokes to Rock the Vote for Bernie Sanders at New Hampshire Rally

Mick Jagger Plays a Sinister Art Dealer in The Burnt Orange Heresy Trailer: Watch

Mike Pence Looks Upset After Prince Charles Refuses to Shake His Hand

Donald Trump Doesn’t Think Brain Injuries Suffered by Troops Are Serious

Vampire Weekend and Bon Iver to Play Concerts Supporting Bernie Sanders

Donald Trump Doesn’t Seem to Know What Happened at Pearl Harbor, According to New Book

Who Won the First Democratic Presidential Debate of 2020?

Donald Trump Slurs and Snorts Through Speech About Iranian Missile Strike

Elizabeth Warren Wisely Ignores Meghan McCain While Explaining Wealth Tax

Greta Thunberg Outclasses Meat Loaf and His Ludicrous Climate Change Denialism

Donald Trump Jr. Shows Off AR-15 Decorated With a Cartoon of an Imprisoned Hillary Clinton

Donald Trump Falsely Accuses Justin Trudeau of Cutting His Home Alone 2 Cameo for Canadian TV

Robert De Niro Openly Fantasizes About Hitting Donald Trump in the Face With a Bag of Feces

Who Won the Last Democratic Presidential Debate of 2019?

Musicians React to Donald Trump’s Impeachment: “Bye Felicia!!!!!”

GOP Congressman Compares Donald Trump to Jesus Christ Ahead of Impeachment Vote

Donald Trump Sent Nancy Pelosi a Deranged, 6-Page Tantrum Decrying Impeachment

Whoopi Goldberg Finally Tells Meghan McCain to STFU on The View