Justin Timberlake is a pop-music sex symbol. He’s married with a son, so he’s obviously had sex at least once. And though his new album Man of the Woods touches on many subjects—flannel shirts, churchgoing, doomsday prep, the great state of Montana—there’s one frequent theme he just can’t seem to get right. As enjoyable as the production on some of these songs can be, the horniest new Timberlake lyrics are more likely to provoke giggles. When it comes to mood music, here are six good reasons to choose something else.
“But then your hands talking, fingers walking / Down your legs, hey, there’s the faucet,” from “Man of the Woods”
Just on paper, the already-infamous “faucet” lyric on the titular song of the deeply demented Man of the Woods album is nauseating. It doesn’t help that it is basically set to the iconic, sing-song rhythm of “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.” It’s the kind of vaguely infantile, insanely misguided musical idea that makes the lion’s share of songs on Man of the Woods sound like bizarre novelty records, but not the kind made as a joke. To cap off the phrase, Timberlake sings: “Someone’s knocking like they know.” Who knocks on a fucking faucet?—WINSTON COOK-WILSON
“Ooh, I love your pink, you like my purple / That color right between those, that’s where I worship,” from “Sauce”
Maybe there’s no such thing as a particularly subtle metaphor for sex, but this line on the P-Funk inspired “Sauce” sounds like the flowery prose a horny high school student who fancies himself the next Henry Miller might write to his first girlfriend. Plus, no one needs to hear JT’s thoughts on their “pink.”—MAGGIE SEROTA
“I’ll be the wood when you need heat / I’ll be the generator, turn me on when you need electricity,” from “Supplies”
The central conceit of “Supplies”—doomsday prepping as a metaphor for Justin Timberlake’s preparedness as a lover, in and out of the bedroom—is so thoroughly inadvisable as to be kind of brilliant. It might be possible to miss the double entendre for the song’s first 38 seconds, but then JT hits the point of no return: “I’ll be the wood when you need heat.” In a way, it’s fitting: Any guy who’s willing to try a pickup line this corny might just deserve to have his dick set on fire.—ANDY CUSH
“Come on, don’t be passive / Some us time would be magic / This is fantastic, and we could get some practice / And miles on our passes for love,” from “Wave”
Babe, hey, wake up / Did you see / the “passes for love” deal / on Groupon?
I bought us two / They were 80% off / I couldn’t resist / Our first stop is Yukon.—MONIQUE MELENDEZ
“It makes me feel like a woman, it makes me feel sexy, it makes me feel… It makes me feel like I’m his,” from “Hers (Interlude)”
“Hers,” an uncomfortable ASMR session delivered by actress and Timberlake spouse Jessica Biel, is technically neither a Justin Timberlake lyric nor explicitly about fucking. It does feature Biel waxing poetic about how wearing a man’s holey old T-shirt—presumably Justin’s—feels like wearing his skin. Heaven help her if she ever finds a shirt she likes at a thrift store.—ANNA GACA
“Beautiful boy, got it from your momma / Damn, she look good, you might get a sister,” from “Young Man”
Son, I’m gonna fuck your mom.—M.S.