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R. Kelly’s Swaggering Sex Jam ‘Cookie’ Is Absurdly Unappetizing

R. Kelly, "Cookie," 'Black Panties,' stream

R. Kelly might finally have run out of amusing analogies for sex. The R&B king’s forthcoming album Black Panties is billed as a return to contemporary-style pop after his great throwbacks Love Letter and Write Me Back, but recent tracks have been all over the place: the plodding “My Story,” the slightly more promising Future team-up “Tear It Up,” and the wonderfully floating “Genius.”

Latest track “Cookie,” though, like Kelly’s recent remix verse for Rocko’s “U.O.E.N.O.”, shows none of the R.’s legendary gift for innuendo. Crooning about licking “the middle like an Oreo” and backed by inaptly grandiose superhero production, Kelly might leave you longing for the more innocent, nuanced days of Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop.” At least Weezy’s “Pussy Monster” involved some kind of mildly scandalous play on the beloved Sesame Street character’s name; here, Kelly actually just sings, “Cookie monster.” Then again, if we’re not mistaken, at one point he might shout out, “Dinnertime,” which lets just enough “Sex Planet”-style self-awareness in that it could lead to a more Kellz-worthy remix.

From “In the Kitchen” to “In the Dining Room,” maybe? Yuck.