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Fiona Apple Tells Crowd About Drug Bust in Baffling Speech

Singer slams four unnamed individuals who engagedin "inappropriate and probably illegal" actions

Fiona Apple spent a night in jail last week after Texas cops found hash and weed on her tour bus. She postponed her Austin show Thursday night, but returned to the stage Friday in Houston, where she regaled the audience with a difficult-to-decipher speech about her time in Hudspeth County Jail. As Pitchfork reports, a fan captured the below video of her one-minute-40-second condemnation of four people she dealt with, who she claims engaged in “inappropriate and probably illegal” actions:

“Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and put, the, I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them ‘holding cell one’ and ‘holding cell two.’ In ‘holding cell one’ is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In ‘holding cell two’ is the decoder. I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course, unless of course, the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your fucking holding cell?”

Apple’s tour bus underwent what TMZ calls a routine search at a border patrol checkpoint Wednesday evening, and .01 pounds of weed and .01 pounds of hash were discovered in a blue backpack that the singer “freely admitted” was her own. Apple spent the night in jail and was released on $10,000 bond. While it’s hard to decipher exactly what she’s alleging law enforcement agents did while she was in custody, she seems to be saying the four individuals in question were thoroughly enjoying having a high-profile suspect in their midst. We’ll need that decoder to figure out the rest.

If it seems like a lot of musicians get arrested on drug charges in Texas — well, they do. Here’s a rundown of 15 stars who’ve been caught holding in the Lone Star State.