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Dane Cook: “Don’t Do These 10 Things at a Concert!”

The comic explains what you ABSOLUTELY MUST NOT DO at a rock show.

Dane Cook wants to make you laugh.

The Boston-born funnyman and actor is on a nationwide tour supporting the release of his latest comedy album/DVD, Comedy Central’s ISolated INcident, bringing his foul-mouthed wisecracks about watching porno, drinking alcohol… and his dead mother. His next stop: Nov. 5 at New York’s 20,000-seat Madison Square Garden.

But first, to help out any potential ticket buyers, SPIN asked Cook — a devout music fan — to reveal his 10 live concert “Dont’s.” You can add yours in the comments section below:10. “Don’t eat anything off the arena’s food grid. Hot dog, popcorn, and beer sold at concessions is fine. Stay away from the guy selling king crab legs out of an ice bucket behind a trashcan.”9. “Don’t use a bathroom stall if the prior occupant comes out covered head to toe in their own shit.”8. “Don’t buy tickets from a scalper if it’s printed on what he nervously coins, ‘advanced napkin technology.'”7. “Don’t enter the mosh pit hoping to meet that special someone. Yeah, that’s not really the place that kind of stuff goes down.” 6. “Don’t think you will impress a crowd who has fake lighter applications on their cell phones by actually lighting your cell phone on fire.”5. “Don’t — DO NOT — try to catch the confetti.”4. “Don’t try to cop a feel of the girl’s tit crowd surfing over you. Karma corrects that by instantly having her high heel jam in your eye socket.”3. “Don’t yell out, ‘I JUST BEAT THIS SONG ON HARD MODE IN GUITAR HERO!’ We all know it wasn’t you; it was your nine-year-old mentally challenged cousin.”2. “Don’t dance if you are a guy, and don’t just stand there if you are a girl.”1. “Don’t puke until all the lights go out. When they do go out, don’t puke on your friends. If you are surrounded by friends, ask yourself, ‘Who would never give me a ride to the airport?’ then exhale like a flu-riddled dragon on ‘em.”