Radiohead / Photo John Shearer (WireImage.com)

For a Grammy performance that was literally show-stopping, it was hard to top Chris Brown's early Sunday cock-up -- the R&B singer turned himself in on an alleged domestic violence felony battery charge against an unidentified "female victim" who had "visible injuries." Brown and girlfriend Rihanna turned up at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party, but both canceled their performances and Brown was later questioned by detectives. Considering the telecast felt like it lasted longer than the Super Bowl, the Academy Awards, and a tax audit combined, their talents weren't missed.

But the 51st Annual Grammy Awards featured the usual bewildering array of extended grotesquerie and fleeting brilliance, so here's SPIN's ranking of all 25 performances (from best to worst); and no, we're not counting the unnervingly festive appearance by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ("the star of Race to Witch Mountain) who proclaimed: "The Grammys are a way of life -- to me, 'Grammy' stands for 'Great Artists Making Music, Yes!'" as he shook a fist and flashed a blinding, white-capped grin. Then, even more frighteningly, he added: "The very first thing I did when I got here today was, 'I kissed a girl and I liked it!'" Hopefully he showed better discretion afterwards than Chris Breezy.

P.S., All the best to Whitney Houston, who continues to be the most disturbingly unhinged person allowed extended airtime on American television. It's amazing that she gets a standing ovation for pulling herself together and potentially staging a comeback, even though she looks like Mrs. Robinson wandering onto an episode of Intervention and flashing a little leg ("Thank you, Bono, I knew I should have worn my boots!" in reference to U2's performance of their new single "Get on Your Boots."). Can Clive Davis really be proud of how all this turned out? Did the check clear?

Now, on with the rankings….

1. Lil Wayne feat. Robin Thicke, Allen Toussaint, Dirty Dozen Brass Band, and Terence Blanchard, "Tie My Hands"
More a tribute to New Orleans, and a much-needed reminder of the ongoing post-Katrina devastation, than a celebration of any one musician, this intergenerational free-for-all -- loosely presided over by Wayne, dressed simply in t-shirt, jeans, and unlaced high-tops -- took the Grammys away from its orgy of self-congratulation and attempted to remind everybody that the world outside the Staples Center is largely fucked. After Weezy took off his shades and rapped, "My whole city underwater, some people still floatin' / And they wonder why black people still votin'" (as images of flood damage scrolled by), the whole show took on a tone of significance that seemed impossible back when hapless wigger Jay Mohr was mugging with LL Cool J and shouting, "Farmer's Boulevard!" for no damn reason and so-called comedian Craig Ferguson was claiming to have once been a menacing Glasgow punk rocker. Eventually, the performance went full-on Nawlins, with Allen Toussaint giving his classy spin on second-line piano and the Dirty Dozen Brass band blasting away with trumpeter Terence Blanchard, while Weezy sashayed across the stage, chanting "Feets don't fail me now" over and over. Then he won Best Rap Album. A rare moment of Grammy clarity.

2. Carrie Underwood, "Last Name"
Wearing an inexplicably dazzling peach-colored combo of flouncy top, hot pants, bondage gear, and glittery heels, and backed by what seemed to be a hellish mash-up of Fallout Boy, Poison, and Maroon 5, Underwood howled this tale of Cuervo-related, anonymous cheap Pinto sex and quickie Vegas marriage with such force and undulating glee (accompanied by en fuego blonde guitar shredder Orianthi Panagaris) that she seemed to scare the poor Jonas Bros. shitless. Burnin' up? Underwood lit a match to the boys' precious coifs and strutted off giggling.

3. M.I.A., Kanye, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and T.I., "Swagga Like Us"
Why did a hugely pregnant M.I.A. still perform, even though she was scheduled to deliver her baby at any time? Because she knew that while she may have other children, she may never get another chance to perform at the Grammys, and especially not with the tuxedo'd (Weezy rocked a skinny white tie and plaid scarf, just cuz) hip-hop "Rap Pack" (so dubbed after a Lifetime Achievement Award for Dean Martin). All in all, the performance was an indecipherable mess -- with nobody really nailing their verse -- but it was also amazingly entertaining, since there appeared to be not a trace of love or camaraderie between anybody on the stage, which considering the egos involved, was oddly reassuring.

4. Radiohead, "15 Steps"
Solemn guitarist Johnny Greenwood and a shockingly animated Thom Yorke -- sporting what looked like the signature "Keith Urban" special from the Nashville Supercuts -- gave "15 Steps" a vibrant makeover, joined by the University of Southern California Trojan "Spirit of Troy" Marching Band, which celebrated the 30th anniversary of a pop career that started in 1979 backing Fleetwood Mac on Tusk and has continued into collabos with Michael Jackson, Outkast, George Clinton, the Offspring, Diana Ross, and many others. On a side note, what's up with Gwyneth Paltrow drooling all over Radiohead ("One of the most influential, adventurous, and thoroughly artistic musical groups of all time"), while being spotted nowhere near Chris Martin? The only thing missing from that quote was "…unlike Coldplay." Shady.

5. Robert Plant and Alison Krauss feat. T-Bone Burnett, "Rich Woman" and "Gone Gone Gone"
Both their voices sound wonderful, and T-Bone Burnett makes a surprisingly haunting racket on his guitar, but don't you get the sense that Alison Krauss is constantly fighting off tides of embarrassment every time Plant does anything vaguely Zeppelin-like? Poor Percy, even in his sixties, he's still a freak, babbling on in acceptance speeches about "the heart of the American underworld of rhythm and blues and shimmy." God bless him.

CLICK HERE FOR THE NEXT 10 PERFORMANCES >>

BUY:
Coldplay, "Lost+" (with Jay-Z) [song] [video]
Katy Perry, "I Kissed a Girl" [song] [video]
Jennifer Hudson, "You Pulled Me Through" [song] [video]