11:10 P.M. "This is the best Zeppelin song!" a guy with a buzz cut exclaims. The song playing on the sound system is Heart's "Barracuda." The room is as hot and wet as the inside of a Crock- Pot. If I had a mullet, it would be sticking to the back of my neck.
11:15 P.M. Offstage, someone screams into a microphone: "NEW YORK CITY! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ROCK'N'ROOOOLLLL???" Enter Satanicide, a Village People-esque collection of metal-dude archetypes, from stringy-haired vocalist Devlin Mayhem (picture Alice Cooper or the managing editor of Outlaw Biker, circa 1974) to bassist Vargas Von Goaten, whose black S&M mask suggests the church-torching ghouls of Norwegian black metal. "We're Satanicide!" Mayhem shouts. [Moderate cheers] "AND WE'RE FROM NEW JERSEY!" [Huge cheers] Fire shoots out of a pair of plastic skulls. Foomp!
11:20 P.M. "We're happy to be here at Irving Plaza," Mayhem jokes, then waits out the laughter. "It's a lot smaller than I expected. And y'all look a lot gayer than I expected. But we're gonna rock for you anyway!"
11:22 P.M. Mayhem throws the first set of devil horns.
11:26 P.M. Some heckling, mostly variations on "You suck!" Mayhem introduces the Van Halen-ish "When I Lay Your Lady Down" by implying that he has recently been the beneficiary of fellatio backstage, courtesy of a heckler's girlfriend.
11:30 P.M. Song ends. Mayhem says, "Thank you! Goodnight, New York!" He will say this after nearly every song.
11:37 P.M. Estimated wait time at the bar: 48 years.
11:38 P.M. Satanicide have the technical skills that authentic metal demands--Mayhem's operatic howl, ax man Aleister Cradley's Guitar Institute of Technology shredding--but they summon none of the deadpan earnestness that makes This Is Spinal Tap the metal mockery by which others are measured. The show has an ironic distance, a sense that the band want to have their cake and eat it, too. Or have their coke and snort it off a groupie's ass. Whichever. Right now, they're playing a song called "Rokk n' Roll Rekkin' Ball."
11:43 P.M. Song ends; people cheer. Cradley: "No applause necessary--we know that was awesome!"
11:44 P.M. Mayhem addresses some of the ?rumors' that have been "going around" about Satanicide. For instance, Cradley is not gay. "Yeah," Cradley says, "you're only a fag if you're takin' it!" "Unless you're, like, partying," says Mayhem, "then it's okay."
11:52 P.M. Only two people raise their lighters during the power ballad "Heather." Mayhem gargles the last verse of the song through a mouthful of beer. Guy in crowd: "You fuckin' suck!" 11:56 P.M. Mayhem: "The next song is about Satanicide! It's called 'We Rock'!" Mayhem dives off the stage, then crowd-surfs all the way to the back of the club, where he belts out the remainder of the song from atop the bar.
12:01 A.M. If you're in a joke heavy-metal band, is it actually a good thing when people yell "You suck"? The band play a song about Garden State nightlife. It's called "Jer-Z Nites."
12:05-12:11 A.M. Drum solo.
