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Sad Old Man Spends Birthday Ranting on the Phone With Three Morons

President Trump celebrated his 73rd birthday Friday morning by calling in to the three nodding heads who occupy the Fox & Friends couch: Steven Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade. Like the marathon call Trump made to the morning show/unofficial White House PR shop on Melania Trump’s birthday in 2018, it was a 50-minute stream of consciousness airing of grievances that was occasionally interrupted with a question or sycophantic comment from the co-hosts.

Here are a few of the most notable moments from Trump’s freewheeling call:

Trump dodges the question of whether he’d endorse his VP, Mike Pence, for a 2024 presidential run.

When Doocy pitches the hypothetical of whether Trump would endorse Pence, the president damns the vice president with the faintest of praise.

“Well, it’s … I love Mike, we are running again. You’re talking about a long time, so you can’t put me in that position,” Trump said. “But I certainly would give it very strong consideration. He’s a very, very outstanding person.”

It’s no secret that Trump had second thoughts about appointing Pence as his running mate in 2016, and reports have since surfaced that the president considered dumping Pence from the 2020 ticket. Also, according to Michael Wolff’s admittedly questionable books, Trump thinks the Pences are a couple of rubes and that Karen “Mother” Pence is especially creepy.

Pence can’t be feeling good about hearing “you can’t put me in that position” when his boss was asked if he’d endorse his veep’s prospective run.

Trump anoints Melania as the new Jackie Kennedy Onassis.

The comparison was raised amid a discussion of Trump’s pointless project to repaint Air Force One with a red, white, and blue color scheme instead of its current pastel blue motif, which Jackie O played a part in selecting. Although the internet spent the morning clutching its pearls at the thought of Melania being compared to Camelot’s late matriarch, the comparison isn’t entirely off base. After all, both women had to endure the public embarrassment of their husbands’ infidelities. Also, both couples slept in separate bedrooms.

“We have our own Jackie O,” Trump said. “It’s called Melania … we’ll call it Melania T.”

What woman doesn’t love being referred to as “it” by her husband on a nationally televised call?

Trump accuses “nervous” Nancy Pelosi of being a fascist.

The president’s claws came out after being reminded that Speaker of the House and noted Grateful Dead fan Nancy Pelosi reportedly remarked behind closed doors that Trump should be “in prison.”

Trump quoted histrionic right-wing radio host and Fox News personality Mark Levin when he went in on Democratic party leadership, which isn’t a great sign.

“It’s a fascist statement, it’s a disgraceful statement,” the president insisted. “I call her ‘Nervous Nancy’; she’s a nervous wreck. And I’ll tell you what: For her to make a statement like that is outrageous.”

The KKK-endorsed candidate and far-right party sympathizer calling anyone a fascist is a bit insane, but if you’re gonna wild out, it might as well be on your birthday. Plus, Trump taking shots at the Democratic leader who is actively tamping down increasingly urgent calls from inside her own party to impeach him doesn’t seem like a strategic move on his part, but I’m gonna assume he knows what he’s doing.

Trump jokes about appointing Kilmeade to his administration.

The “joke”—which maybe isn’t a joke, considering how the Fox News green room doubles as a Trump White House recruiting pool—occurred when the president mentioned he had appointed Thomas Homan. The former acting director of ICE is another hardline anti-immigration Fox News bobblehead for Trump’s cabinet, and in the absolutely terrifying sounding post of “border czar.”

After lamenting how badly some of his past cabinet nominees, namely alleged aggro party doctor Ronny Jackson, fared in the vetting process, Trump mentions that the Fox & Friends hosts hold up better under scrutiny. Sure.

The Fox & Friends hosts would apparently be delighted if Trump started a war with Iran.

As Splinter pointed out, Kilmeade becomes particularly animated when pressing Trump on the actions he’d take following U.S. intelligence concluded that Iran was behind the recent attacks on two privately owned oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman.

While we’re all painfully aware how much Trump seems to appreciate validation from Fox News personalities, the president did seem to sidestep the obvious bait Kilmeade left for him by bitching about Barack Obama.

You can watch the entire interview below if you enjoy seeing an elderly Fox News viewer take a break from live-tweeting his stories to actually call and spend quality time with some of the people he loves—a bunch of vapid schmucks who say nice things about him on TV.