Moby Will Not Shut Up About Natalie Portman
Instead of turning off his phone and, say, spending the next few days in a sauna, or anywhere doing anything else, Moby has nonetheless continued to talk about Natalie Portman online. Following the actress’ blistering public denial over Moby’s claims that they dated when she was 20 (according to Portman, she actually 18 and they didn’t date), the most notorious bald techno producer in America once again took to his Instagram to express his exasperation over Natalie Portman not believing that they had dated, and further the attention he has received for trying to correct the record.
On Wednesday, Moby decided to respond to Portman’s recollection of their brief acquaintance as “creepy” and inappropriate by, well, posting a photo of himself shirtless with his arm around Portman, who looks to be in her teens. The photo, in which Moby is shirtless and Portman looks like a teenager, was accompanied by a defensive caption that once essentially accused Portman of lying about the nature of their relationship. This maneuver failed to fix his PR problem, and so on Thursday, instead of going to a movie or throwing his phone directly in front of an oncoming semi truck, Moby further breathed life into this news cycle that makes him look very bad by once again logging onto Instagram and posting more shit about Natalie Portman. The posts are long, rambling, and mainly just demonstrate that Moby either doesn’t understand, or refuses to acknowledge, why someone would think the way he discussed Portman in his book was gross, and why Portman would be upset over what she deems as Moby bragging about a conquest that never happened.
“dear trolls,” reads one of Moby’s Instagram posts from this morning. “I just don’t know if hating a stranger is the best use of your one, short life.” Following a few posts that include a trip to Washington D.C. lobbying Congress on behalf of the Humane Society (cool) and a front stoop hang with Ian Mackaye (also cool), Moby revisited the Portman narrative in the hopes… that he was going to finally craft the one Instagram post that would turn this all around? After all, he’s been bringing up this supposed relationship for years. In a 2008 interview with Spin, Moby discussed what he called his “ very brief affair with Natalie” and how it supposedly made him a target of “nerd wrath.” According to Moby, “you can’t date Luke Skywalker’s mom” and not have nerds “hate your guts.” Little did he know!
This would have been a great time for Moby to take the L and hide out while the news cycle quickly moved onto something else, but it was important that he provide photographic evidence of him having stood next to Natalie Portman on several occasions. He wrote:
“I can choose frustration and bitterness, or I can remember that as an activist I’m here to help, not to be helped,” Moby said in an Instagram post featuring a photo of a forest that hopefully gets bad cell and wifi reception. “To be of service, not to be served. Might sound like hippie nonsense, but it’s what I believe. And that adversity is no excuse for abandoning integrity and principles. So, attack me, slander me, lie about me, in the meantime I’ll be trying to save animals and help stop humans from destroying the only home we have. Bye.”
Moby, let me be the first to thank you for your service. Now, log the fuck off for your own sake, because the rest of us love the drama.