Months after the Pizzagate shooter conceded that “the intel on this wasn’t 100 percent” and Alex Jones apologized for his misleading coverage of the topic, a group of hardcore conspiracy theorists remains convinced that a satanic pedophilia cult with many elite Democrats as members operates out of Comet Ping Pong, a formerly unassuming pizza shop in Washington D.C. Just yesterday, the Trump-approved Gamergate muscleman Mike Cernovich was tweeting about a “deep state pedophile ring.” And if you haven’t been following closely, you might be surprised to learn that the Pizzagaters have accused Guy Fieri–Food Network host, human meme, American icon–of being in on the action.
The accusation stems from an old episode of Guy’s show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, which featured the host chopping it up with Comet Ping Pong owner James Alefantis in the restaurant’s kitchen. Pizzagaters have been rumbling about Fieri’s supposed involvement for a while: “COMET PIZZA WAS ON DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES, GUY FIERI, VIDEO TAKEN DOWN. ALAFANTIS SAYS HE HARVESTS 10 TONS OF TOMATOES, CANS THEM AND STORES THEM IN HIS BASEMENT,” reads a comment on the apocalyptic financial “news” site ZeroHedge from December. (If you’re unclear on the sinister intimations of harvesting and canning tomatoes in your basement, you’re just not deep enough into PizzaGate yet.) And this week, the satirical Twitter account @lib_crusher tweeted screenshots to a post about Fieri and Comet Ping Pong on the Facebook group “Pizzagate – Stop the Ring.” “They even put these sick molesters on the food network,” the Facebook poster wrote.
If all of this sounds like gibberish to you, allow me to quickly explain. Late last year, paranoid right-wing users on websites like Reddit and 4chan noticed that Alefantis’s name appeared several times in the hacked email account of the Hillary Clinton-affiliated political operative John Podesta, which had been published on Wikileaks shortly before. Based on the insane claim that “pizza” is a codeword for pedophilia among those who practice it, the baffling idea that pedophiles would openly broadcast their own crimes via arcane symbols rather than try to conceal them at all costs, and the longstanding belief among fringe conservatives that the Clinton family belongs to a violent and secretive illuminati of liberal elites, Podesta’s friendship with Alefantis became fodder for the theory that Clinton and her allies were abusing children in Comet Ping Pong’s basement.
Eventually, Alex Jones picked up on the theory from the backwaters of the web and began promoting it to his millions of listeners. In December, a man named Edgar Welch drove to Comet Ping Pong from his North Carolina home and fired multiple rifle rounds inside, claiming he was there to liberate the child sex slaves. In a subsequent interview with the New York Times, Welch identified himself as an InfoWars listener.
(For more on the bizarre symbology and conjectures of the Pizzagaters–underground tunnels, a map printed on a handkerchief, occult sex rituals with the world-famous performance artist Marina Abramovic–read our earlier post on the conspiracy theory.)
To the ordinary viewer, Fieri’s Comet Ping Pong coverage looks no different from any other episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. He samples the sauce, cracks a bunch of corny jokes, hammily challenges Alefantis to a fight if he doesn’t hand over the ‘za. But if you’re versed in the supposed secret language of elite child abusers, even an episode of a daytime cooking show can start to look like a confession. “Would you like some pedophilia with that Guy?” reads the since-edited description on one YouTube clip of the episode. “I know oysters and clams are part of the a code word but i cant remember what it means,” reads another, referencing a clip from the episode in which Alefantis cooks a pizza with clams. “Drugs,viagra,undeveloped organ?”
“Fuck you Guy,” a commenter weighted in on the latter video. “Say hello to your secret friends the podestas and the Clintons you fat pig.”
A site called Hera’s Blog, whose commentary on Pizzagate, aliens, and the Illuminati is almost indistinguishable from satire, has a detailed “decoding” of a Fieri profile that was recently published on Vice’s website Munchies. Here, Hera’s blog decodes a sentence in the Vice profile about how Fieri’s restaurant in Las Vegas sometimes serves as many as 1,800 customers a day:
As usual, add up any numbers in articles to see their significance. This one is 1+8= Nine. Nine is the Family number assigned to Grey Aliens. We already knew Fieri was both a Grey and a Pizzagater because Jimmy Comet told us, in this article. Fieri also did a video story on Comet Pizza, discussed in this post, where a “patron” called Comet’s “Pizza” “to die for.” There are no coincidences with these vicious Pizzagate Illuminati Players.
Fieri isn’t the only seemingly unrelated celebrity who has found himself in the Pizzagaters’ crosshairs. Hera’s Blog also includes “decodings” of Anthony Bourdain and the legendarily hermetic chef Damon Baehrel. While searching through YouTube for Fieri Pizzagate content, I found a video alleging that Fiona Apple is involved, based only on the title of her classic single “Criminal” and the brief appearance of a half-eaten pepperoni slice in the music video.
Don’t worry, though: as long as you’re innocent, Pizzagate won’t come after you. But if you’ve ever eaten pizza, touched a pepperoni, uttered the word “crust,” looked at a child, or attended a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese–you might be next.