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This Is the Most Easily Believable Story About Donald Trump’s Marriage

WASHINGTON, DC - MARCH 17: U.S. President Donald Trump, first lady Melania Trump and their son Barron Trump depart the White House March 17, 2017 in Washington, DC. The first family is scheduled to spend the weekend at their Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

This week’s cover of Us Weekly bears a coverline that reads “MELANIA’S SECRETS.” What are those secrets? That she quietly believes Views is better than More Life but is too scared to express this on her favorite online forum, Rap Genius? No. It’s that she hates her husband and they never sleep in the same bed. The tabloid cites multiple sources alleging that the President and First Lady never spend the night together even when they happen to be staying the night under the same roof.

Multiple sources claim that the former fashion model — who’s currently living 200 miles away from Washington, D.C., in NYC’s Trump Tower while Barron finishes the school year — refuses to share a bed with Donald even on the rare occasions when they sleep in the same city. “They have separate bedrooms,” says another Trump insider. “They never spend the night together — ever.”

Another source told Us that sometimes the two sleep in the same room together, but in separate beds, which may be even creepier.

The magazine’s report opens with a juicy anecdote about Donald awkwardly grasping for Melania’s hand while crossing the White House lawn in view of reporters, but Melania ripping it away immediately upon entering their helicopter. Says an insider:

Once the obligatory photo op was complete, she, Donald and their 11-year-old son, Barron, boarded Marine One, POTUS’ helicopter, which whisked them away to their Palm Beach, Florida, estate, Mar-a-Lago. Aboard the chopper — and away from the public eye — Melania dropped the act. And Donald’s hand. “Melania,” a family source alleges in the new issue of Us Weekly, “does not keep hidden from everyone around her how miserable she is.”

The inner lives of Donald and Melania have been an ongoing fascination since his rise into politics, with amateur online sleuths highlighting moments of public awkwardness between them, such as the infamous disposal of her smile during his inauguration, and another moment in which they seemed unable to properly hold hands for even a single second. Melania, of course, spends her weekdays holed up in Trump Tower in New York, while her husband spends his weekdays… holed up in the White House.

This new Us Weekly story is the second such report by the magazine to refer to Melania as “miserable,” though a rep for the First Lady did tell Us Weekly that it’s “unnamed ‘sources'” have provided “fictional accounts.” That may be true, but there’s nothing more easy to imagine than Melania Trump’s deep disgust at the thought of sharing the same bed as Donald Trump, because, I mean, come on.

In any event, Us Weekly will soon be controlled American Media Inc., which owns the National Enquirer, a paper tabloid that was at the forefront of the legion of publications that became press organs of the Trump state. One imagines that soon enough Us will publish a glossy photo spread of the President and First Lady joyfully radiating in each other’s personal space, perhaps even in bed. Haha.