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Everything You Missed From the Make America Great Again! Welcome Celebration Concert

The Trump Inaugural Concert just ended. If you were lucky enough to miss watching it, here’s a detailed run-down of the surreal, celebrity-free show.

First, there were some innocuous marching bands playing patriotic music. They then sent out the real party-starter: Ravidrums, aka Ravi Jakhotia, Travis Barker’s heir emergent, who played along to patriotic synth-orchestral pseudo-EDM on his massive electro-toy-drum-set. The names of all the American states flashed on giant screens around the Lincoln Memorial:

Then, Jon Voight emerged, and discussed how Trump had “answered all of our prayers” before introducing Sam & Dave’s Sam Moore (the “Gramming…Grammy-award winning rock’n’roll…legend”), who sang a highly improvisatory, gospel interpretation of “America,” backed by a chamber choir. Occasionally, the ABC broadcast would cut away to shots of Lincoln’s statue, or to a shot of a guy with a “Bikers for Trump” jacket sitting stage left:

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It turned out the “Soul Man” singer was actually just an opener for the Old Guard Fife and Drum Core, who got a lot more stage time:

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There was then a lengthy intermission while a weird duo of Rolling Stones songs–“Let’s Spend the Night Together” and “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”–played over the loudspeakers

Then Trump and Melania walked out, very slowly, to “Heart of Stone” by the Stones:

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Here are some of the lyrics to that very creepy song:

There’ve been so many girls that I’ve known
I’ve made so many cry and still I wonder why
Here comes the little girl I see her walking down the street
She’s all by herself I try and knock her off her feet
But, she’ll never break, never break, never break, never break
This heart of stone

The Frontmen of Country “supergroup” took the stage next. Tim Rushlow, Larry Stewart, and Marty Roe’s set included “Walking in Memphis” and “Proud to Be an American”:

 

Lee Greenwood took the stage next and performed “Proud to Be an American,” looking like an assassin from a Steven Segal movie. Jared Kushner sang along:

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Next, good Southern boys 3 Doors Down tore it down, while stock footage of happy Americans cooking and building things and working on aircraft carriers played. Yes, they played “Kryponite”:

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The crowd went wild!

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Then, the United States Army Band “Pershing’s Own” dropped John Philip Sousa’s “The Liberty Bell,” which is also, mind you, the theme to Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Unfortunately, a huge foot did not emerge to crush the proceedings.

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Against all odds, Ravidrums returned to the stage with a dance crew of people doing uncoordinated robot dances in shitty robot suits. It was a like real-life Tim and Eric episode.

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Next up was the One-Direction-covering, dancing, YouTube stars Piano Guys, who play the piano in all the funny ways:

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More Ravidrums followed, then more Army Band, and then — as the announcer put it, “one of the most popular artists in history” — Toby Keith, who thanked his fans and Obama along with Trump, and sang of red Solo cups:

The concert ended with an clearly unrehearsed speech by Trump, who boasted of the success of his movement and failed to remember that Obama’s inauguration had also been held in front of the Lincoln Memorial just eight years prior.  After a fireworks display, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” began playing over loudspeakers.

“Now we’re hearing Journey, almost as if it’s the last episode of The Sopranos,” CNN’s Jake Tapper said. Indeed.