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Ed Sheeran Could Probably Kick Your Ass

Authentic tough guy Ed Sheeran has released a video for “Shape of You,” his comeback single that shot right to #1. (Surprisingly, it did not alienate Sheeran diehards who want him to only sing tender acoustic dirges, nor Sheeran doubters who absolutely never want to hear him sing about sex.) In the clip, Sheeran plays a boxer-in-training who falls for a lady boxer. They eat fried chicken together, giggle in the back seat of a cab, canoodle in the gym. In the end, Sheeran gets thrown around by a sumo wrestler… for love. It’s cute, really.

But if you were never convinced by Ed Sheeran the passionate lover, you may be even less convinced by Ed Sheeran the fighter, who wears hoodies and cut-off gloves and pounds the bag like some earnest ginger Rocky. The video goes pretty far in trying to make him look like a badass! Check out those darkened shots of his tatted-up bod, getting in a fighting stance like he’s about to whoop somebody.

It raises a good question: Could Ed Sheeran beat you up? Most people would say no, because they’re too confident to admit Ed Sheeran could dominate them in a fight. But honestly, the answer is probably yes: Ed Sheeran could render you into a pile of bones, a defeated dog begging for death. I bet he knows Krav Maga or judo… or maybe boxing. There’s no way the idea of Sheeran-the-boxer was crafted wholly from fiction.

Why do I think this? Well, spite is a great motivator, and Sheeran has been spited. A few years ago, he was the subject of endless jokes about getting friend zoned by Taylor Swift, and about how he looks like one of Frodo’s best friends. (I’m sorry, Ed, but the jokes were real, I’m just pointing them out.) In response, he lost a ton of weight by cutting pizza and beer out of his diet, because celebrities can easily pay people to get them in shape.

He got kind of hot, in his way. At the very least, he started dressing better. Did it stop there? No, I don’t think so. If you’re suddenly ripped, why not learn how to rip a man from limb-to-limb? Call me a hobbit one more time, he thought as he knocked the bag off its chain. I know what you’re thinking: He’s kind of small, he looks like a doof, there’s just no way he could beat me up. But look at those eyes. Ed Sheeran has been mocked before, and he is ready to fuck somebody up. Watch the video below.