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Please Read the Lyrics to Weezer’s Bizarre New Single ‘Thank God for Girls’

Update: Rivers Cuomo has annotated the song’s lyrics on Genius, including such chestnuts as “all these good looking atheletic young guys r getting so much free sex it kills me” and “Do they still make Sears catalogs?”

Say this for Weezer’s new jam: It’s a much-needed respite from the straightforward and mostly boring nostalgia that marked their last two lead singles. What “Thank God for Girls” is itself, exactly, is much harder to parse — anyone seeing the title and dreading a typically Maurice Chevalier-like ode to the female gender is severely underestimating Rivers Cuomo’s irrepressible strangeness. Instead we get a song bursting with a typically adolescent combination of wonder, confusion, anger, and sheer nonsense regarding the subject in question, one that begins with a promise of fresh cannoli and ends with Adam (like, the original one) stealing osprey eggs to get revenge on God. (“The lyrics sound pretty out there and remind me of my tumblr work,” says Rivers, sure.)

Read the full lyrics, and watch the appropriately enigmatic (and cannoli-heavy) quasi-lyric video, below. At the very least, you’ll never question its Weezerness.

The girl in the pastry shop with the net in her hair is making a cannoli for you
To take on your hiking trip in the woods with your bros that you’ve known since second grade
And you may encounter dragons and ruffians and be called upon to employ your testosterone
In a battle for supremacy and access to females glued to the TV
And even if you are victorious, you may receive many cuts, bruises, and scrapes
And you will require band-aids and antiseptic ointments and tender love and kisses on your stab wounds

And when you come home, she will be there
Waiting for you with a fire in her eyes
And a big fat cannoli to shove in your mouth
And that’s why you

Thank God for girls
Halle Jesu Christe
From Tennessee to LA
Thank God for girls
On your reckoning day
You better bow down and pray

She’s so big
She’s so strong
She’s so energetic in her sweaty overalls

Thank God for girls
(Thank God for girls)
Thank God for girls
(Thank God for girls)

I’m so glad I got a girl to think of even though she isn’t mine
I think about her all the day and all the night; it’s enough to know that she’s alive
She says I give her sweaty palms she almost had a heart attack
The truth is that I’m just as scared I don’t know how to act
I wish that I could get to know her better but meeting up in real life’ll cause the illusion to shatter
I carved her name into all the trees; I sang a song down on one knee
Looking at the underwear page in the Sears Catalog like when I was 14
I’m levitating like a magnet turned the wrong way around
I’m like an Indian fakir trying to meditate on a bed of nails with my pants pulled down


God took a rib from Adam, ground it up in a centrifuge machine
Mixed it with cardamom and cloves, microwaved it on the popcorn setting
While Adam was like, “(Woo-hoo) That really hurt!”
(Going off into the tundra)
So pissed at God and he started lighting mighty forest fires, stealing osprey eggs
Messing with the bees who were trying to pollinate the Echinacea
Until God said, “I’ma smite you with loneliness and break your heart in two”
And Adam wept and wailed, tearing out his hair, falling on his knees, looked to the sky and said,
“Thank God”