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Justin Bieber Castration Plot Foiled by the Lunatic Belieber Who Ordered It

Justin Bieber Castration Murder Plot Foiled Dana Martin Staake Ruane

At last we understand why Justin Bieber can’t keep his hands off of his crotch. It’s not a Michael Jackson homage after all — it’s because people are literally trying to steal his balls. As it turns out, authorities have exposed a plot to kill and castrate the 18-year-old pop star masterminded by a deranged man currently serving two life sentences at a New Mexico prison.

Dana Martin, 45, is locked up for raping and murdering a 15-year-old girl in Vermont 12 years ago. As Albuquerque’s KRQE and The Star reports, he has not only written letters to Bieber, but has the kid’s face tattooed on his leg. And while behind bars, he convinced a soon-to-be released convict to do some truly dirty work for him once he was on the outside.

Freshly freed Mark Staake, 41, and his nephew Tanner Ruane, 23, were allegedly promised “large sums of money and a multimillion-dollar historic home” as a hideaway if they completed a series of slayings: two unnamed men in Vermont supposed to be witnesses against Martin, and then Bieber and his director of security, former Israeli soldier Moshe Benabou.

They were instructed to strangle their victims with a paisley neck tie — Martin’s calling card, apparently — and then remove their gonads with Fiskars “Durasharp” garden clippers. A police affidavit alleges that the men would be paid $2,500 for each testicle they procured. (Although we imagine Justin’s would fetch a bit more on the Belieber black market.)

The assault on Bieber was supposedly set to go down at one of his late-November Madison Square Garden gigs, a pair of stops on his in-progress Believe tour, but the macabre plot went awry when the men, on their way to completing phase one, accidentally crossed into Canada where Staake was scooped up on an outstanding New Mexico warrant.

From there, it unraveled quickly: Ruane got cold feet and called Martin in prison to tell him so; Martin weirdly decided to tell authorities about the entire thing; and Ruane was arrested in New York on November 26, two days before the first concert, found holding “murder tools and pruning shears.” Naturally, the MSG show went forward without incident.

It’s unknown whether Bieber’s camp knew about Martin’s plot before news of it broke. So far, various representatives have issued a standardized response on the matter: “We take every precaution to protect and ensure the safety of Justin and his fans.” According to KRQE, Martin is now in isolation and will be moved from Las Cruces to Vermont.

Thanks, Conan: