Everyone knows that everyone who’s anyone eventually gets their own sneaker line, an honor bestowed upon only those with rabid enough fanbases to scramble for their names on their feet. But often those sneakers are also fugnacious, almost as if their celebrity endorsers are daring you to let them know how dedicated you are: how much do you love them? Enough to wear this ugly-ass shoe? Really though? From Kanye to Kim K, we’ve seen some repeat offenders who adorn their footwear with every bell and whistle and zipper and lizardesque accoutrement in sight (Air Yeezy II, sweet pete). But Eddie Van Halen, guitar god, pared it down for his latest kicks, offering simple cap-toe slip-ons with his signature paint-splatter pattern in three colorways that deliver a proper rocker’s statement but are also screaming for you to chill out on the high fret. To further emphasize EVH’s dedication to your relaxation, he’s also offering beach towels in the same pattern, which are meant for “any outdoor occasion,” but which we envision as high post-shower fashion, wrapped around fans’ heads and torsos, for plush painter style and concert-going casual. Who needs Vuitton when you’ve got shoes you don’t even need to bend down and tie? See you at the spa, shredders.