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35 Rejected Kanye West 35th Birthday Stories

This is literally the only photo of Kanye West smiling on Getty Images / Photo by Harry How/Getty

Happy birthday, Kanye West! We couldn’t figure out what to get you or what to say about it, so here are 35 noble efforts:

Champagne Wishes, 30 White Bitches, and Four Other Proposed Gifts for Kanye’s 35th Birthday

No One Man Should Have All This Flour: 35 Birthday Cake Recipes

35 Things That Rhyme With Kardashian That Will Sound Okay Auto-Tuned in Three Years

Your Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasies: 35 Unfulfilled Birthday Wishes

35 Examples of White Music Bloggers Saying “Cray” in Earnest

We Munch Kanye’s Whole Cake — Matter of Fact We Can Munch His Cake Hole

Big Sean says the Word “Ass” Exactly 35 times

Liveblog: We Listen to “Niggas In Paris” 35 Times

35 Things We Wish We Bought Instead of Air Yeezys

35 Things That Rhyme With “Sarcophagus” That Would Have Been Better

Our Presence Is A Present, Kiss Our Ass

35 Awesome Hip-Hop Records By Artists Over 35

Young Jeezy’s Low Sodium Birthday Cake Recipe

35 Ways To Ruin Taylor Swift’s 35th Birthday in 13 Years

Imma Let You Finish But Diddy Had The Best 35th Birthday Party of All Time

35 Unused “Imma Let You Finish” Jokes

Photoshopping Some Candles on Kanye West’s Dick Pic or Something

We Glued Diamonds On A Party Hat!

35 Things We Tweeted At Kanye Which He Still Hasn’t Responded To, #asshole

35 Wrongest RapGenius Translations of Kanye West Lyrics

Tracking Down the 35 Americans That Bought The Mr Hudson Album

35 Internships That Cyhi The Prince Can Apply For in 2013

Top 35 Complex Lists About Kanye West

Something Something 808s and Red Velvet Cakes

We Give Out Bon Iver’s Cell Phone Number!

35 Things Worse Than Having Obama Call You a “Jackass”

Lana Del Rey NSFW Something #Seapunk Kanye Birthday Azealia Banks!

Pin the Tail on Kid Cudi!

Dressed to Kilt: Celebrating Your Scottish Heritage on Your Special Day

Kanye’s 35 Worst Looks (2008-2009)

Brooklyn Vegan Commenters Wish Kanye a Happy Hummus

35 Things We’d Rather Do With Our Friday Than Produce Kanye Google-Bait

12 Rejected Posts In Honor of Kanye West’s 35th Birthday

Happy 36th Birthday, Kanye (First!)

Actually Talking to Kanye West