Seventeen awards were handed out at last night’s 2011 American Music Awards, and Taylor Swift walked off with three of them. Adele and Nicki Minaj both took home two trophies. But anyone who bothers to show up at the AMAs wins a prize for self-promotion, so kudos to you, everyone else! AMAs nominees are determined by popularity and winners are picked by fan vote — the categories are called “Favorite,” after all, not “Best.” So who were the real winners and losers?
Winner: Taylor Swift’s Shock & Awe Coach
Loser: Mick Jagger’s Legacy
Not one, but two unfortunate incidents involving the Rolling Stones singer — Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera’s woeful “Moves Like Jagger,” and Will.i.am’s “T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever),” which, due to a technical difficulty, made Jagger (performing via a pre-taped video) look more out of step with the times than we ever thought possible.
Winner: Hot Chelle Rae
Now that this quartet are Sprint New Artists of the Year, we know who they are!
Loser: Hot Chelle Rae
So now we know how best to avoid them.
Winner: Jennifer Lopez
Nobody on the AMAs stage out-danced or out-entertained J.Lo. However…
Loser: Jennifer Lopez
Nobody committed such an outrageous act of brand integration, either. She actually brought that damn Fiat onstage with her.
Winner: Kelly Clarkson
An incredible version of “Mr. Know It All” with a ’20s twist. Due to J.Lo’s disqualification on a technicality (shamefulness), hers was the best performance of the night.
Note to band: It’s not a humble brag if it’s just a brag. Nobody wants to hear about your “Good Life” anymore.
Loser: The Vein Throbbing on Marc Anthony’s Forehead
To be fair, maybe it was just reacting to J.Lo’s performance.
For an incredibly stupid, but incredibly entertaining performance of “Party Rock Anthem” and “Sexy And I Know It.” Bravo, kids: You outdid Will.i.am!