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We Watched Lil Wayne’s 30-Minute PSA So You Don’t Have To

Weezy holds court on syrup and skateboarding... because Steve Jobs died

Inspired by the death of Apple visionary Steve Jobs, Lil Wayne recorded a half-hour treatise on creativity, skateboarding, and syrup at his impressive mansion. Weezy is calling the lengthy monologue (via Nah Right) a “Public Service Announcement.” SPIN performed the real public service and watched this thing so you don’t have to. Here’s how it breaks down:

00:00-3:12: Wayne is “reminiscing on the life of Steve Jobs,” who he calls a pioneer and innovator while speaking very, very slowly. Jobs’ passing leads Weezy to ponder his own mortality. “I was like, man, what if I just skate off my roof and end it all.” Would people remember him? Deep thoughts.

3:14-5:55: Wayne explains the composition of “syrup,” the codeine-laced cough medicine concoction he famously swilled for years. “I started drinking it because I’m from the South,” Wayne says, adding he learned it by watching Pimp C (ouch).

5:56-7:17: Weezy muses on how his success led to further drug use. “Lil Wayne became this machine, and you become a machine, people require production from that machine at all times.” His doctor gave him Adderall and Xanax. “I don’t do this to be cool. I did this because I was sick.”

7:18: Wayne informs us what’s currently in his cup, in case you were wondering. It’s tea, people. Just tea. “Good tea, too, my man Noel made it.” Nice work, Noel.

7:19-8:23: Now Wayne seems to be saying it’s okay to keep drinking syrup, as long as you remember he wasn’t the guy who told you do it.

8:24-10:57: Don’t blame Wayne if you decide to get “a billion tattoos,” either. He got his first at 14 because his dad died. Ultimately, he wanted to be like Tupac. But now, Wayne laments, “There’s no more heroes.” His logic is getting fuzzy. Maybe we need to put down our cup.

10:58: Wayne explains how tattoos work (“Like, dude, this don’t come off”), then starts peeling off his clothes to prove exactly how tatted up he is. The man is tatted up.

11:24: “I spent 1.8 million of my hard-earned money to buy this mother-fucking car I had heard about called the Bugatti,” he says, leading us to the driveway while claiming to be “the first African-American rapper with a Bugatti.” Wait, it gets better: He says the people at the dealership called him “the Barack Obama of Bugatti.”

13:29: Wayne points out where he needs to get his paving stones replaced on his driveway and notes that the koi in his koi pond are hungry.

13:54: “I picked up a motherfucking guitar and I put out a rock album.” Uh oh, where’s this going? “I just want you to know I’m a very passionate man, whatever I do… I wanted to be able to pick up a guitar and sing to a woman. It just turned out to be something else, I put out a rock album, it went gold.” Wayne claims, “It worked for me. It’s not working for everybody.” We’ll have to quibble with the first part of that.

15:15: Somehow, “That brings me back to Steve Jobs.” Weezy is talking about passion and inspiration again. “Whatever’s the reason you’re doing what you’re doing, and if so that reason is because Lil Wayne does it, don’t be afraid to say that.”

16:23-23:04: Weezy is talking about skateboarding. “I’m passionate about it, so know why you doing it.” To prove he’s serious, he grabs a board and hits one of his ramps. He goes back and forth a few times, but doesn’t actually do any tricks, admitting, “I’m in the process of learning, but I’m trying.” And now we know why he got into skating in the first place: He caught footage of Alex Middler on Fuse TV. Don’t think this skateboarding this is a selfish habit, because Wayne is actually making your kids want to go outside and play. Lil Wayne: still for the children. He even says the words “underage obesity.”

23:05-24:10: Wayne’s talking about gang violence when he was in prison. He was told he was “classified as a Blood” upon arrival. That doesn’t make him “an official gang-banger,” but “don’t test my shit.” Noted!

24:12: After a sharp cut, Wayne plucks an electric guitar mounted on the wall and does a little tour of his house, leading to his studio: “This is all that matters,” he tells us. “I still get up every day and drive 15 minutes to the studio, because I never want to get to relaxed and say I got this shit at the crib.”

25:28: We have reached the end! “Ladies and gentlemen, that was my public service announcement…” Yet Lil Wayne is still speaking. “I just want to end it with, ‘Do what you do, ladies and gentlemen, and do it well, and know why you doing it, and don’t be afraid to believe in why you’re doing it.’ ” Also, his hair has been growing for 12 years.

27:30: Wait, we’re not done yet. Wayne then holds up the Young Money Discover Card. Yes, he made a pre-paid debit card. “Things you can do with this card is amazing, the benefits you can get, 50 percent off pharmacy drugs… I’m not sure why I said that.” We sort of wish you hadn’t, too.