1) Justin Timberlake and Dwayne Johnson joke about general stores and a band called the Beatles Fighters on music’s biggest night, hear crickets. Where’s Bruce Vilanch when we need him?
2) The night’s best rock performer? Carrie Underwood, take a bow. And your guitarist Orianthi Panagar can take two.
3) Coldplay wins Song of the Year for “Viva la Vida.” Joe Satriani throws off his Snuggie and chucks his flat screen out the window.
4) Most self-effacing moment: During Kid Rock’s performance of “Amen,” which sounded more U2 than U2, his mug shot is projected behind him. But after “Rock N Roll Jesus,” could the director have cut to a worse crowd reaction shot? I mean, who farted?
5) “From Cain and Abel to the Jackson Five, brothers have rocked our world…” Ahhh, that’s more like it. Is Bruce Vilanch in the house?
6) Did Chris Martin just repeat that limestone rock joke he just used in the 60 Minutes profile? Um, yeah.
7) Much has been made about bi-curious Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.” But what was with the on-stage fruit motif? Was the connotation supposed to be gay = fruity?
8) And what was with Morgan Freeman’s stiff, gloved hand? Looked like he was auditioning to play Han in the Enter the Dragon remake.
9) Who thought it was a good idea to put oversinging sensation Ne-Yo in the Faux Tops lineup. He doesn’t seem to recognize the beauty of the old Motown singers: They got to the friggin’ point!
10) Despite costarring in Smokey and the Bandit and singing “(I’m Just a) Red Neck in a Rock and Roll Bar,” the late Jerry Reed could never be accused of being a redneck. Dude rocked pink pants.
11) On a night given over to Simon Baker, Gary Sinise (!), and other CBS primetime stars, Coldplay perform a song tailor-made for an ABC series: “Lost.” Then Jay-Z has to bring up Biggie, Tupac, suicide, and Judas and ruin everything.