Whew! (Deep breath) OK, here we go. Below are a random sampling of first reactions and inquiries regarding Lil Wayne’s just-leaked “rock” single “Prom Queen,” on which Weezy dialogues about lacey underwear and broken hearts through an Auto-Tune device and apparently brushes the strings of a guitar. An historic moment, indeed.
1) “Well, I’ll be sodomized on Christmas!” (to quote the late funk icon/Scientologist Isaac Hayes as Chef, from the “Chef Aid” episode of South Park, when he’s informed that the Alanis Morissette song “Stinky Britches” is all over the radio and MTV).
2) Maybe Cash Money’s release of that anonymous clown Kevin “Let It Rock” Rudolf (“featuring Lil Wayne”) was just a shrewdly devious plan intended to lower the bar to such unfathomable depths that when Weezy showed up with his trainwreck, he’d look only marginally embarrassing by comparison.
3) Compared to the abominations of the past that have resulted from rockers trying to rap or the entire miserable history of rap-rock in general, “Prom Queen” is relatively intriguing. I mean, compared to, say, Pimpadelic? Or Rehab? Or Family Force 5? Just trying to be fair here, people. I mean, the guy is still drinking vats of sizzurp.
4) Is Lil Jon secretly relieved that the whole Crunk Rock thing never panned out?
5) With Weezy flailing around like a minstrel show in reverse, does this mean that we should be more forgiving of Kanye for concocting a half-baked Depeche Mode album? Well, all things being equal, maybe, but after this imbecilic display, not a prayer.
6) Who’s Wyclef more mad at — Lil Wayne for stealing his spot as “the hip-hop dude who brashly plays guitar” or will.i.am for stealing his spot at the inaugural as “the hip-hop dude in a fedora who collabos with washed-up rock/jazz hacks”? And yeah, I know Wyclef can really play the guitar (unlike Weezy). But do you want him to?
7) Know how ’70s DJs wrecked all those cheap turntables — “playing” them in ways that the manufacturers never imagined — and thereby helped birth hip-hop culture? Maybe Wayne is just trying to figure out what the creative equivalent of backspinning and scratching would be for an electric guitar, and his genre-redefining genius will soon be revealed? Or, maybe, as Richard Pryor would say, “Sheeeeeeeeeit.”
8) Now if Wayne did something as totally cocked-up as this for an entire album, then we’d have something to discuss. But only if he included the Florida A&M audience banter as an ambient effect.
9) There’s not knowing how to play the guitar, and then there’s not caring. At all. Wayne doesn’t care. At all. And in a way, that’s admirable. Too bad it’s also unlistenable.
10) Hate to bring this up, but do you recall who played drums on the “It’s All About the Benjamins (Shot-Caller Rock Remix),” perhaps the most egregiously horrific transmission of the rap-rock virus? Josh Freese? Travis Barker? No. Dave Fucking Grohl! I know he’s a heckuva nice guy. I realize that women far and wide, even some I know and respect, sing his praises with James Franco-level giddiness. But, come on. Does he get a lifetime pass for enabling all this bullshit just because he played in Nirvana (and is the greatest living rock drummer)? All right, I give.
11) When, in an ugly/short/nerdy/unpopular boy’s adult life, does he finally let go of the fantasy of shoving it all back in the face of the prom/homecoming queen/cheerleader who supposedly rejected his advances and treated him like garbage in high school? According to the song “Prom Queen,” as well as Toby Keith’s even creepier “How Do You Like Me Now?!,” way past the point when a restraining order should be obtained.
12) At times like this, you just have to remind yourself how much you appreciate Rage Against the Machine. You don’t think you do. You take them for granted. You feel like they didn’t live up to expectations, or pandered too much to the Mook mob. But then, something like “Prom Queen” happens, and you remember. Sorry, Zack. Sigh.