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Michael Showalter’s Cool vs. Uncool Guide to Dancing Men

  • Dancing by yourself is really cool, especially if all you do is the pogo-stick dance where you just jump up and down in a totally — dare I use the word — “erect” position. Eyes closed is icing on the cake. In general, if you’re a guy, just try to “bop around.” That’s all we want from you unless you’re Prince, in which case go for it.
  • You never want to be the guy who is referred to as “really fun to dance with.” This includes: having fun with your partner, making stuff up, goofing around, mime stuff. That’s extremely uncool. It means you’re trying too hard and that you have no penis. Dancing isn’t a social activity. It’s work and/or a form of prayer and/or meditation/therapy/intoxicant.
  • Simulating fucking on the dance floor is cool (eg: lambada, freaking, dirty dancing, etc.) But there are two major caveats to this:
    #1. It’s gotta be consensual. This mostly applies to frat guys.
    #2. It has to be artful and thought provoking. It can’t just be crass simulated fucking (not too much butt stuff).
  • Taking up a lot of space on the dance floor is very uncool. It’s showing off. For those of you who want everyone to know how good of a dancer you are by dominating the dance floor and flailing around, and doing all your weird, sweaty moves, you’re missing the essential point: dancing is a form of individual expression, everyone does it different and unless you can do a windmill no one cares.
  • Under no circumstances should you ever for any reason clap! Clapping is strictly forbidden and there are no exceptions to this rule what-so-ever. (Okay, one exception: You can clap if the song “Faith” by George Michael comes on.)
  • If you can do the Electric Slide, that’s cool. However, you can’t be seen doing it by anyone. You have to do it only for yourself otherwise it’s not cool.
  • Any form of pointing at the DJ is uncool. However, if the DJ is on fire and you’re pointing at him to alert him of this then it’s cool. You can also point at him if he’s a terrorist. Any other form of DJ pointing is lame.
  • Though popular opinion would suggest otherwise, I think that air guitaring and air drumming are both very cool. Comparatively, air bass is bad, air piano is really bad, air saxophone is horrific, and air bongos is a punishable offense.
  • Dancing in a suit is unforgivable UNLESS you have a skinny tie on or your name is David Bowie.
  • Dancing by yourself, naked, in your room, just out of the shower at 7 A.M., to Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles,” soggy penis flopping freely about, with CNN American Morning on mute, is the coolest.