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Born Ruffians Meet Comedian Jim Gaffigan!

Fuck you, Jim Gaffigan — my whole life is a lie.

Seriously now. The only way I justified eating like shit was from listening to your comedy, and now my world has been turned upside down from what I saw on Monday (March 3). We were walking to our van from the hostel, which was a bit of a walk. We walked past a guy who dropped his shoes out of his gym bag, and Steve [Hamelin, drummer] grabbed them for him. The guy said thanks and went into the Whole Foods. While we were walking away, Steve looked back and said, “I think that was Jim Gaffigan.” I said, “that can’t be right.” Jim Gaffigan…with gym shoes. Jim Gaffigan…walking into Whole Foods?

You let me down, Jim. I ate bacon on two separate occasions yesterday because of you. I ate a fucking Cinnabon because of you. I was planning on eating whale blubber if we ever toured Alaska because of you, but now I don’t know what to do with my life. If Jim Gaffigan is getting healthy, then I may as well just throw myself into traffic because my belief system doesn’t exist anymore. So unless your next comedy album is about the evils of Whole Foods and exercise, then I am disowning you.

After that fiasco we stayed at a hotel that was clearly a drug front in New Jersey. A he-woman yelled at us when we tried to check in to a room we’d already paid for, and then the room turned out to have no pillows or shampoo or stuff that real hotels usually have. The dogs barking in the other rooms didn’t help. Nor did the woman that said “Holy shit, Mary!” when we were checking in, who clearly had never seen people check into the drug front hotel before.

In my last blog, I promised I’d post an excerpt from an email from my mom, but it’ll have to wait until next time. But there will be a serious-business mom-review of my blogs coming up. Believe me.

Here in the green room in Baltimore, we (Ruffians, Cadence Weapon, Food For Animals) just watched the clip of Jean-Claude Van Damme getting a boner on some European show on YouTube. So you can see tour is pretty hardcore.

— ruffian mitch

Baltimore smells weird

DJ Weezil might be dead in this pic, I forget