We have been on the hunt for old Nessie for 12 years, and every time we get close we come up empty, but we’ve had some really close calls. Our last encounter with the beast was at the Cave of the Winds where she slipped our grasp just barely out a large underwater cave that our submarine couldn’t fit into, which led to us making a mad dash down through the Everglades. We lost her there, too.
The scent and our recent intelligence had led us to the USA/Canada border to one of the wonders of the world, Niagara Falls — a big adventure where we were shocked to discover the monster had reached its tragic end. In an attempt to climb up out of the falls, Nessie slipped and fell to the rocks below, dying instantly. So began the media frenzy to see who could get to the corpse first.
We couldn’t scale the rocks, so we rode the tourist elevator to the bottom of the gorge to acquire a boat and a guide so we could get over to the beast’s remains. We found a boat already stuffed with other scalpers and adventurers trying to get to Nessie, but we had our work cut out for us. Our reputation for being the best-kept treasure seekers at bay is no lie. As we launched the boat, CNN and other news networks started arriving at Niagara Falls, but we waved at them from our ship, which was en route to the location of the accident for dibs on the exclusive.
As we approached, you could hear the screams of people freaking out by the sight of Nessie’s tail sticking out of the water. Realizing we were stuck on the top of the boat and out of view of the beast, we decided to jump ship and head ashore. Then, we began running past the other media and onlookers in a mad dash to be the first to get to the scene.
We climbed up the stairs, over wet slippery rocks, sprinting and digging in, shoving the other newscasters out of our way until we reached a rock perched halfway up, underneath the falls! You could literally smell the decaying lizard flesh!
Once again “Band vs. Wild” was the first group to arrive on scene to cover this world-changing story! TAKE THAT WOLF BLITZER!!!
— Valient Himself & Valient Thorr