Brace Yourself for ‘Band vs. Wild’
Boy, crockie, have we got a show for you. It’s called “Band vs. Wild” and its pitting bands against nature’s beasts with hilarious results.
We finished up our show in Orlando, FL (Aug. 14) and instantly headed for the swamps in search of a local legend, Gatorman, who is half-gator/half-human and sips nectar from the Dragonbowl’s tree. We hired a guide and an airboat to get us around the bog so we could face the middle of nature’s fury. It was hot and muggy in the swamps of Boggy Creek, but the wind hitting our faces while we chased after the living dragons was a welcomed refreshment. We floated into a dark part of the swamp where they make their own booze and put children to work for the family businesses, but luckily got out before we were discovered.
It’s very important not to disturb the fragile make up of the swamp. “Leave Only Footprints” is the “Band vs. Wild” slogan. Anyways, we had our guide take us to another hollow where we came across the mighty caribou. We knew we were getting close to the beast because he eats those creatures in one mighty chomp.
We sniffed out a scent down another arm of the swamp and finally came up on the beast. As we came in close, he got up on his hands and legs and hissed at us, which means he was angry! I pissed myself, and we almost lost an arm or a hand, but our close encounter with Gatorman was worth putting our lives on the line …although you can’t play guitar missing an arm!
We jumped out of the airboat and tore his skin off so we could have a big blanket to keep us warm while we spent the night on the banks of the bog. The Gatorman skin protects against mosquitoes, snakes and other gatormen.
After all was said and done, we made our way back to where our adventure began. Once we were back in the good ship Endura, we made this documentation of the trip for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy the show but PLEASE don’t go looking for Gatorman on your own! We are “Band vs. Wild” professionals and are used to putting our lives on the line everyday to further studies in rock’n’roll and nature. More from The Volcom Tour soon! Keep checking back at SPIN.com for more tales of victory!
— Valient Himself & Valient Thorr