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Intimate Portrait: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

By: Jason TanzTriumph the Insult Comic Dog has appeared on Late Night WithConan O’Brien, Hollywood Squares, and, infamously, onpast MTV Video Music Awards, where he begged to sniff J.Lo’s buttand nearly came to blows with Eminem. This month, the trash-talkingrubber puppet (voiced by Saturday Night Live writer RobertSmigel) releases his debut CD, Come Poop With Me, whichfeatures such ditties as “Underage Bichon” and “Lick Myself.” Wetook him out to a nearby dog run and got the straight poop.

Triumph, every dog I’ve ever owned has died after a few years. How have you survived in this business for so long? The key is having dirt on everyone. A dog is like a four-legged fly on the wall.

Your new album, Come Poop With Me, has taken longer to come out than David Gest. Why the delay? It takes me a long time to tune my guitar.

Are the streets still feeling you? Oh, yes, I think the street still feels me–every day around nine o’clock. Earlier if I’ve had fruit.

Do you have any formal musical training? I guess you could say I come from a musical family. My father, a rottweiler, sang in Yiddish theater, and my mother, an Afghan, looks like Celine Dion. My sister isn’t musical, but she smells like Christina Aguilera.

Are there any special guests on your new album? I asked J.Lo, but she backed out. And if you’ve ever seen J.Lo back out, you know it’s not pretty. Stay under a doorjamb. Heh-heh, you see, because she has a big ass. Ah–it always works. I called Steve Perry, and he was at the studio in less than 30 minutes, so I still had to pay for the pizza.

As we’ve learned from 50 Cent, an artist often becomes successful once he’s taken a bullet. How many times have you been shot? 50 Cent is a punk! I’ve been shot three times: twice for rabies and once for gonorrhea.

You’ve got a song on the album called “Benji’s Queer” that details the deviant sexual practices of various celebrity dogs. Don’t you fear reprisal from Benji’s posse? Absolutely. They might attack me in a dark alley some night and frost my hair. Who’s kidding whom? That dog packs more fudge than Fannie May.

Will you be touring to support your album? I’ll be touring to support my children. Seriously, I have 287 adorable illegits.

Do you have a preshow backstage ritual? We great performers all have the same backstage ritual. We think about John Tesh–and thank God we’re not him. Also, I have two poodles pee on my face. It grounds me.

Have you made any progress in your diplomatic efforts to resolve the Eminem-Moby feud? Do you suspect that the rivalry was entirely made up and that Em and Moby are secretly holding hands somewhere right now? Of course! Everyone knows music is fixed. You really think Justin Timberlake is a singer?Right. And I poop Godiva chocolates.

I hope that I’m mistaken, but are you humping my leg? Yeah, yeah, I’ll be done in a minute. Don’t flatter yourself. I licked the Rolling Stone guy’s balls.