Skip to content

Ladies Night

By: Ross RaihalaJustin and Xtina live: The sex! The screaming!

A summertime doubleheader featuring Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera sounds like the hottest tour of?1999. Still, the onetime Mouseketeers have weathered the teen-pop storm and emerged older and, if not wiser, at least skankier. This was never more apparent than at the June 8 show at Washington’s Tacoma Dome. Despite her jet-black fright wig and dodgy feminist theory (“I pierce, therefore I am”), Christina (or, ahem, Xtina) won the night with her campy, vampy spectacle topped off with real live singing, while Justin made up for his thin solo material by urging the girls to scream as if they were about to plummet into the sun. Here’s what else you missed.

Percentage of females in 12,000-strong crowd: Somewhere around 90. (Emasculated boyfriends and random gay guys made up the rest of the audience.)

Number of preteens spotted wearing homemade, hot-pink T-shirts with the vaguely disturbing phrase YOU CAN JUSTIFY AND STRIP ME: Three

Xtina’s look: Puerto Rican transvestite hooker on ‘ludes

Justin’s look: Closeted frat boy from Iowa who just discovered FUBU

Number of inanimate objects humped by Xtina: Eight (a chair, a chain-link fence, a curtain, a pole, a different kind of chair, a cane, a flame-shooting motorcycle, and the floor)

Most explicitly sexual moment of Justin’s show: The rear-screen projections and pyrotechnics used during his Britney-breakup epic “Cry Me a River” awkwardly suggested a prolonged and pained ejaculation.

Number of sleeves sported by Justin during “Rock Your Body”: Roughly seven-eighths of a sleeve-a makeshift leg warmer on one arm and an elbow band on the other

Proof that girls don’t care what Justin’s music actually sounds like: His backing band took numerous forays into lite jazz (good news for Donald “Hey Nineteen” Fagen).

Proof that Xtina’s “my naughty bits are showing” persona is here to stay: For her remade, remodeled, and Marilyn Mansoned-up version of “Genie in a Bottle,” she took the stage strapped, spread-eagle, to a steel-beam X surrounded by a blazing fire.

Number of ‘N Sync songs Justin sang: Two (“Gone” and “Girlfriend”)

What Justin did instead of singing “Bye Bye Bye”: A ten-minute solo beatbox jam while perched atop a cherry picker that swayed above the audience in a threatening manner

What we have learned: Xtina loves sex; Justin loves himself.