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The Eminem Lists

By: Charles Aaron, and Chris NorrisEminem’s best: one-liners, intoxicants, dis songs, and more

Eminem’s top six lines from The Wash(in which he plays a crazy ex-employee who shoots up a car wash where Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg work)* “Drop your fuckin’ gun out the window!”* “You done fucked with the wrong motherfucker, asshole!”* “See, now this is how coworkers end up getting popped!”* “Blood’s gonna look so good on you, asshole!”* “Great job, Robocop-fuck!”* “No, you’re trippin’!”

Three reasons Eminem should be nominated for an academy award for 8 Mile1. His convincing, compelling portrayal of a struggling white rapper.2. Competition is slim, and Daniel Day-Lewis overacted like a bandit in Gangs of New York.3. Because Oscar gets down like that! Jack Valenti, whut?

Top-selling white rap albums of all timeKid Rock, Devil Without a Cause,10 million.Beastie Boys, Licensed to Ill, 9 million.Eminem, The Marshall Mathers LP, 8 million.Vanilla Ice, To the Extreme,7 million.Eminem, The Eminem Show, 7 million.Eminem, The Slim Shady LP, 4 million.Beastie Boys, Hello Nasty, 3 million.Everlast, Whitey Ford Sings the Blues,2 million.Beastie Boys, Check Your Head,2 million.Beastie Boys, Paul’s Boutique,2 million.The Bloodhound Gang, Hooray for Boobies,1 million.House of Pain, House of Pain,1 million.Bubba Sparxxx, Dark Days, Bright Nights, 500,000.

Priceless Eminem punch lines1. “Will Smith don’t gotta cuss in his raps to sell records / Well I do, so fuck him and fuck you, too.”–“The Real Slim Shady” 2. “I try to keep it positive and play it cool / Shoot up the playground / And tell the kids to stay in school.”–“I’m Shady” 3. “Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to / I just found out my mom does more dope than I do. (Damn!)”–“My Name Is” 4. “Y’all act like you never seen a white person before / Jaws all on the floor, like Pam and Tommy just burst in the door.”–“The Real Slim Shady” 5. “But don’t blame me when lil’ Eric jumps off of the terrace / You shoulda been watchin’ him–apparently you ain’t parents.”–“Who Knew” 6. “Somethin’ somethin’ somethin’ somethin’ I get weeded / My daughter scribbled over that rhyme / I couldn’t read it.”–“Any Man” 7. “If I had one wish / I would ask for a big enough ass for the whole world to kiss.”–“If I Had”

Eminem-Related Dis Songs (From Best to Worst)1. “Quitter”–Eminem (dissing Everlast and Evidence of Dilated Peoples) 2. “Die Another Day”–Ray Benzino (dissing Eminem) 3. “I Remember”–Eminem (dissing Everlast) 4. “U Didn’t Care”–Canibus (dissing Eminem) 5. “Nail in the Coffin”–Eminem (dissing Benzino) 6. “Pull Your Skirt Up”–Benzino (dissing Eminem) 7. “The Sauce”–Eminem (dissing Benzino) 8. “Whitey’s Revenge”–Everlast (dissing Eminem) 9. “Ain’t Nuttin’ but a Bitch Thang”–Insane Clown Posse (dissing Eminem) 10. “Say What You Say”–Eminem featuring Dre (dissing Jermaine Dupri) 11. “Slim Anus”–Insane Clown Posse (dissing Eminem) 12. “We the Realest Label”–Eminem (dissing Murder Inc.) 13. “Searching for Bobby Fishcher”–Dilated Peoples (dissing Eminem) 14. “Girls”–D12 featuring Eminem (dissing Limp Bizkit) 15. “Dear Marshall”–Debbie Mathers-Briggs (dissing Eminem)

Eminem’s top seven fellow southpawsKurt CobainBob Dylan Cole Porter Jack the Ripper Lenny Bruce Friedrich Nietzsche Larry Bird

Top six shoutouts to Tupac Shakur1. “Screamin’ ‘Fuck the world!’ like Tupac.”–“Just Don’t Give a Fuck” 2. “Drugs, rock, and Hennessy / Thug like I’m ‘Pac on my enemies.”–“Square Dance” 3. “I’m screaming like those two cops when Tupac shot ’em / Holding two Glocks / I hope your doors got new locks on ’em.”–“Rock Bottom” 4. “Pissed-off, ’cause Biggie and ‘Pac just missed all this / Watchin’ all these cheap imitations get rich off ’em.”–“Marshall Mathers” 5. “I’m like a thug / With a little bit of ‘Pac influence.”–“Soldier” 6. “Hey Mom / Tupac’s on the jukebox.”–“Our House”

Top ten things Slim Shady rhymes with “Shady”1. “Grady” 2. “Play me” 3. “Crazy” 4. “Jim Brady” 5. “That Kim lady” 6. “Twin babies” 7. “Mercedes” 8. “Pay me” 9. “BITCH made me” 10. “M-80”

Eminem’s Top Ten Intoxicants01 Vicodin (“Bad Influence,” “Kill You,” “Under the Influence”)02 Mushrooms (“My Fault,” “Purple Pills”)03 Vodka (“My Name Is,” “Without Me”)04 Ecstasy (“Drug Ballad”)05 Percocet (“Rock Bottom”)06 Codeine (“My Dad’s Gone Crazy”)07 A box full of laxatives (“Still Don’t Give a Fuck”)08 Liquid Darvocet (“Three Verses”)09 Hennessy mixed with Bacardi Dark (“Drug Ballad”)10 An IV full of Thai weed (“Any Man”)

Our wish list for Eminem’s new clothing line1. Light blue terry-cloth bathrobe with matching skully 2. Hailie Jade smiling-face baby tee3. Kevlar bandanna 4. Boxer briefs with “Eat shit, Debbie” on seat5. Baggy-as-fuck chinos

Other Marshalls That MatteredMarshall Faulk (St. Louis Rams running back) Marshall Field (Chicago department-store magnate) Marshall Tucker (blind South Carolina piano tuner who inspired the name of Southern rockers Marshall Tucker Band) Marshall McLuhan (media guru) Marshall Holman (Hall of Fame bowler) Marshall Berman (Marxist author)