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Beastie Boys… Are the Bigfoot of Rap

Beastie Boys with Rick Rubin in 1985 / Photo by Josh Cheuse

Bigfoot is a pickup truck with monster 10-foot wheels that crushes cars by driving over them. Beastie Boys play monster 10-foot drums, or so it sounds. Beastie Boys began as a joke hardcore band, then a rap band. The joke is, everybody took them seriously, including Beastie Boys.

Beastie Boys eat at White Castle. Beastie Boys wear Pumas with shell tips. Beastie Boys wear lots of leather. In the winter, they wear leather down jackets and hooded bombers. Real Beastie Boys don’t wear leather in the summer.

Beastie Boys love the beach. They wear big, floppy, plaid bathing suits, like the baggies worn by surfers in the 1960s.

Beastie Boys never carry an umbrella, no matter how hard it rains, but they might put a plastic garbage bagover a box of Mallomar cookies.

Beastie Boys don’t use a shoehorn.

If a Beastie Boy needs glasses, he wears Cazal frames.

When a Beastie Boy goes formal, he wears ski pants and suede “playboy” shoes. With most B-boys, it’s important that the clothes fit right. With Beastie Boys, 99
percent of the time, the clothes don’t fit.

Beastie Boys never look like the people at the clubs, where they are fashion heroes.

Beastie Boys wear the same clothes for weeks.

Beastie Boys like Head, the Monkees’ movie. They see it at midnight, whenever it’s shown. Sudden Impact is another big one. Beastie Boys pretty much like any “blacksploitation” movie. All Jerry Lewis movies are a big deal. Beastie Boys do a dance called the Jerry Lewis and their next record will be called The Jerry Lewis.

Beastie Boys headquarters are in Beastie Boy Rick Rubin’s (Double R) New York University dorm, where he also runs his record company. The room is a studio that should have one person living in it, but instead has two and boxes of records all over the place.

Beastie Rick, the Beastie producer and Beastie DJ, wishes his dorm would go co-op before he gets kicked out.

Rick’s had more noise complaints than anyone in the history of the dorm. He was the first person in seven years brought before the dorm judiciary committee.

Some of the strangest people visit Rick’s room, at all hours of the night. Each one must be announced by the security guard in the lobby.

Security really hates Beastie Boys.

Billy Idol loves Beastie Boys. He puts them right up there with Elvis and the Beatles.

Beastie Boys love professional wrestling. Beastie Boys watch wrestling on TV to keep abreast of what’s happening in America. Any time in the course of a day that a Beastie Boy isn’t talking about music or soap operas, he’s talking about wrestling.

Beastie Boys consider themselves cultured.

“Cey” and “Shadi” are Beastie Boys’ favorite artists.

When Beastie Boys go to a good restaurant, they go to Beefsteak Charlie’s. It might be too expensive to take a girl to, but if they get a girl to pay for them, they ask to go to Beefsteak’s.

If we opened a Beastie Boy refrigerator, we’d find peanut butter and Marshmallow Fluff next to a bag of granola, fresh orange juice, Gatorade, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee ravioli (red can), Rice-a-Roni, but no peas. Beastie Boys don’t eat peas.

Inside a Beastie Boy wallet are the phone numbers of lots of girls, not much money and no credit cards.

If a girl wants a Beastie Boy to like her, she’s got to be cool and not talk too much. Beastie Boys like young, pretty, new-wavey looking girls.

Beastie Boys like Skoochie’s, a club for minors in Seattle with two-thousand 15-, 16- and 17-year-old girls, all thinking they are Madonna.

Beastie Boys don’t use after-shave.

Beastie Boys don’t have plants or pets.

A smashing evening for Beastie Boys is going out to eat at a McDonald’s, then hanging out at a club like Skoochie’s, talking to lots of girls, dancing to records that they like — which is hard to do, because it’s hard to find a club that plays records that they like — going out to eat again and going home, hopefully not alone.

If someone was to make a movie of the Beastie Boys’ life story, Beastie Boys would like to be played by professional wrestlers, like Rowdy Roddy Piper.

If Beastie Boys were rich, they would do what they’re doing now, which is nothing. Beastie Boys are pretty happy. They don’t have real jobs. Beastie Boys hang out all night, play records, make music and screw around all the time.

This story originally ran in the July 1985 issue of SPIN.