• Beastie Boys on SPIN's March 1987 cover / Photo by Glen E. Friedman

    Crude Stories: Meet the Beastie Boys

    Chinatown. Six a.m. on a cool spring morning. Below a sweatshop slept the Beastie Boys in their rat-infested, stinky-ass world headquarters. Life was grand for everyone — everyone, that is, but one inquisitive Mike D. His forty winks were abruptly disturbed by a familiar yet warm, brown liquid, overflowing from the machines above. Ah yes, Mike D's morning had truly broken. Spring was here, and what a lovely Chinese woman she was. The factory above was in full swing: machines pressed, hammers hammered, and the brown water spewed forth, only to find its resting place atop Mike D's festive crown. Mike rose from his bed in a wet frenzy, cursing the Chinaman and his evil ways.

  • Beastie Boys with Rick Rubin in 1985 / Photo by Josh Cheuse

    Beastie Boys... Are the Bigfoot of Rap

    Bigfoot is a pickup truck with monster 10-foot wheels that crushes cars by driving over them. Beastie Boys play monster 10-foot drums, or so it sounds. Beastie Boys began as a joke hardcore band, then a rap band. The joke is, everybody took them seriously, including Beastie Boys. Beastie Boys eat at White Castle. Beastie Boys wear Pumas with shell tips. Beastie Boys wear lots of leather. In the winter, they wear leather down jackets and hooded bombers. Real Beastie Boys don't wear leather in the summer. Beastie Boys love the beach. They wear big, floppy, plaid bathing suits, like the baggies worn by surfers in the 1960s. Beastie Boys never carry an umbrella, no matter how hard it rains, but they might put a plastic garbage bagover a box of Mallomar cookies. Beastie Boys don't use a shoehorn. If a Beastie Boy needs glasses, he wears Cazal frames.

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