I’m like Bob Dylan: I don’t look back. I refuse to consider anything that happened in 2003, because those days are over. Oh, I realize that there were fragments of noteworthy events over the past 12 months (tigers attacking magicians, tigers living in Harlem apartments, the war, etc.), but as far as I’m concerned, anything that occurred yesterday might as well have taken place when dinosaurs ruled the earth. Those who ignore history are not doomed to repeat it; those who ignore history are destined to dominate the future with extreme prejudice (almost as if they are cyborgs sent from the future, programmed to become governor of California and possibly to kill the star of TV’s Beauty and the Beast). Tomorrow never knows, but I have a few suspicions. Here is everything important that will happen in 2004. This should save us all some time....

WHO: Recently signed to Dreamworks, this emo foursome, led by acid-tongued Jesse Lacey, has springboarded from an opening slot on the last Dashboard Confessional tour into the bruised hearts of America’s youth.