The gig marks the debut of Li'l Gn'r, the first (and presumably only) Guns N' Roses kids tribute band, on their "Appetite for Instruction" tour. The group, assembled by New York City comic Mark Malkoff, spend more time dancing with Mister Rogers than Mr. Brownstone-Li'l Slash is a five-year-old boy-but under Malkoff's tutelage they retain the real GN'R's flair for cockiness, excess (Krispy Kreme on demand!) and, of course, showmanship.
"Guns N' Roses are my favorite band of all time," Malkoff says.
"I want to bring it back to the kids. And hearing five-year-olds talk about Use Your Illusion is great." A short video shown before the kids take the stage documents Malkoff handpicking his li'l stars, forcing them to agree to change their names and rob liquor stores for the cause. By the end, the micro rockers are trashing hotel rooms and chilling in limos.
While waiting for the performance to begin (like their grownup counterparts, apparently Li'l Gn'r tend to be tardy), two kindergarten-age girls frolick to the PA's steady stream of '80s metal favorites, including "Cum On Feel the Noize." One band member's mom is squeezed into a pair of silver velour pants, but no one is showing their boobs or scoring dope in the bathroom. Instead, someone yells, "Grandma's sitting down over there!"
Then, behind a shimmering curtain emblazoned with their logo, Li'l Gn'r appear. The opening riff of "Welcome to the Jungle" cranks over the sound system, and the curtain drops, revealing the tiny band. Li'l Axl struts and headbangs, ripping into the "sha na na na na na na na knees, knees!" section. She offers an enthusiastic "Good evening, New York! It may be cold outside, but it's hot in here!" Li'l Axl is flanked by one of the two other li'l girl rockers-Izzy, 11, who shares vocal duties. She thanks her supporters: "Mommy, Daddy, my brother."
Since Li'l Slash's motor skills aren't fully developed and the other kids aren't prodigies, all the songs are done karaoke-style, with the band miming while they hold mini instruments. But the group retain an air of professionalism and don't even blink when a shirtless adult fan jumps onstage and is removed by two bouncers. They blaze through a rendition of "Sweet Child o' Mine" and a subdued "Patience"/"November Rain" medley and are only momentarily distracted by falling red and black balloons during their finale. Afterward, the band unwind backstage and assess their performance.
"I thought we rocked the house," Li'l Axl declares, adjusting the black leather cap perched atop her red bandanna. "But when we can afford a new manager," Li'l Izzy confides, "we're going to get rid of Mark."
So how are a band that are supposed to "get up around seven / Get outta bed around nine" (as the GN'R song goes) able to operate when everyone needs to be tucked in before then? Li'l Axl offers an explanation: "My bedtime is at 9:30," she says. "But tonight is an exception."
