In a decision that had nothing to do with one half of the band being dead, the Beatles recently rereleased their swan song, Let It Be, as Let It Be...Naked, with the sessions the way Paul McCartney originally envisioned them: without producer Phil Spector’s added orchestral flourishes. This is not a new idea. Pop has been eating itself and reheating its leftovers since Chubby Checker twisted again and again in the early ’60s. But the thing no artists seem to consider when strip-mining past glories is that they are the only ones asking, “What would this record sound like if it, y’know, sucked more?” Below, some particularly good examples of bad examples.

 

Ozzy Osbourne What got redone: Osbourne recently remixed, remastered, and replaced the bass and drum parts on his first two solo albums, Blizzard of Ozz (1980) and Diary of a Madman (1981). Why this is wrong: Ozzy's been Fat Elvis since 1973, so you can't argue that his muse was somehow more pure when he recorded both albums during one intoxicant-soaked year, auditioning boy-genius guitarist Randy Rhoads between blackouts. Both albums sound like a rat's ass but are classics nonetheless. Osbourne's new bassist Robert Trujillo and drummer Mike Bordin obviously grew up listening to original players Bob Daisley and Lee Kerslake. Erasing them from history is the kind of tactic that people don't miss about Joseph Stalin.

Kiss What got redone: What hasn't gotten redone? Why this is wrong: In 1978, Kiss remade 1974's "Strutter" with disco hi-hats and haven't looked back since. It's been five years since Gene Simmons and Co. have even trifled with writing new songs, preferring to trot out repurposed versions of 30-year-old classics. The 1988 collection Smashes, Thrashes & Hits featured rerecorded versions of their best songs and a version of 1976's "Beth" featuring then-drummer Eric Carr replacing Peter Criss' vocals on a song Criss wrote. Earlier this year Kiss re-re-re-infinity-rerecorded most of the same songs with an Australian orchestra. Perhaps in 2004, they will send out robots to tour.

The Police What got redone: "Don't Stand So Close to Me" (1986) Why this is wrong: You hate your band, and they hate you. Do you: (a) do the honest thing and break up; (b) launch one last tour and part as colleagues if not friends; (c) soak your fans by throwing together a greatest-hits package and overhauling a big hit from six years earlier? If you answered (c), you are living the dream of the blue turtles. The mechanical percussion puts original drummer Stewart Copeland's purported participation into question, Sting faux-wearily ad-libs the Nabokov lyric, and guitarist Andy Summers gamely strums like a man one royalty check away from giving up his Montserrat estate.

Iggy and the Stooges What got redone: Raw Power (1997) Why this is wrong: You'd think a beautiful caveman of an album that influenced an entire generation of primal-punk acolytes would be, you know, best left alone. But nooooooo. Iggy Pop -- long after he could blame drugs for poor decisions -- decided to remix this 1973 classic so it sounded like every other stupid album that came out in '97: "bigger" guitars, more radio-friendly high-end, and 10 percent louder. Look out, honey, 'cause he's using technology.

Adam Ant What got redone: "Stand and Deliver" (2003) Why this is wrong: Only an iron-hearted bastard could oppose a higher standard of living for our simian forebears. But even Moby would gleefuly blow away every last silverback in Africa after two minutes' exposure to Adam Ant's feckless remuddling of this 1981 cult classic, retitled "Save the Gorilla" to aid the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund. It's kind of poignant that Ant is wearing spectacles over his trademark eye makeup in the video. But this version, which substitutes ape sounds for the original's "na deedly kwa kwa" vocal, tends to squander any such goodwill at around the four-minute mark. Still, it's good to know he hasn't lost his way with a lyric: "I don't know the next verse, because I haven't even writ it. Bollocks. Oh, shit. Poo."