You're gonna need someone on your side, Jimmy
Like many people, who although acting reasonably are in our view still missing out, Jimmy Kimmel must've stopped listening to Morrissey decades ago.
Last night's episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live! with the cast of A&E duck-hunting reality show Duck Dynasty went on as planned, despite the absence of its scheduled musical guest. Morrissey, an outspoken vegetarian and opponent of animal cruelty, had said he couldn't be seen "alongside people who, in effect, amount to animal serial killers." As Slicing Up Eyeballs points out, Kimmel joked that he kept the Duck Dynasty people on because "they have guns and Morrissey doesn't."
Au contraire, mon frère. Though the title of the former Smiths frontman's 1992 album Your Arsenal presumably has nothing to do with firearms, the cover of his 2004 full-length, You Are the Quarry, clearly shows Moz tightly gripping a Tommy gun, like a Prohibition-era gangster. And we understand they're on different networks, but did Kimmel even see Morrissey's performance on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon? His backing band was a bunch of self-proclaimed "thugs"! Oh, Jimmy, we sincerely hope nothing happens to you. At least, nothing worse than the cheeky True to You post Morrissey is no doubt composing this very moment.
Kimmel also might have slipped by describing Morrissey as a "vegan," which, as Pitchfork notes, he does not appear to be. The host basically responded to the whole flap by mocking vegetarianism overall, suggesting, for example, that Moz shouldn't appear on any TV shows, because of the risk of meat-related advertising — which, c'mon, that's just absurd (there are lots of things we oppose; should we stop participating in the world?). And then he brought out the cast of Duck Dynasty for a skit about a fake reality show called "Carrot Call." Carrots and broccoli, y'see, are "yuppie food." Ha, childhood obesity rates are at epidemic levels, ha, we don't know what's "yuppie" about not dying young, ha!
Another Kimmel line hit closer to home: Morrissey, he said, "keeps finding ways to depress us."
Which brings us to Moz's other vegetable-related fracas (not, you understand, to be confused with fricassée). On March 1, he will perform at Staples Center in Los Angeles. Morrissey's camp maintains the event will be meatless. The Staples Center's crew has begged to differ. Either way, it's a safe bet the venue's vendors won't be selling something called a "McDonna."
In a statement released to the press Wednesday (February 27), Morrissey um, fired back at Kimmel's late-night sketch, calling the "smiling" host a self-important throwback to the "intellectual fog of the 1950s." Read it in its entirety below.
I was disappointed with last night’s Jimmy Kimmel Show wherein our smiling host managed to ridicule depression (70% of Americans have experienced depression according to the National Institute of Mental Health). He then found time to ridicule healthy eating (the obesity epidemic in the U.S. costs $147 billion per year in medical expenditure), and he also ridiculed the notion that animals should be entitled to the possession of their own lives. Furthermore, he found time to jokingly promote gun-ownership - hugely amusing for the parents at Sandy Hook, no doubt. He also promoted his special guests Duck Dynasty – who kill beings for fun. None of the above issues are, of course, as important as Jimmy Kimmel himself, who has finally revealed his show to have an overwhelming loss of meaning. Tune in and relive the intellectual fog of the 1950s.