Madonna's 'Sweat' Workout DVDs Will Certainly Kill You

Material Girl aims to tone you with a towel

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Marc Hogan WRITTEN BY
Marc Hogan

Madonna has invited us into her bedroom, with 1992's Sex book. She has invited us into her broken marriage, with last year's MDNA album. And now, the singer who a year ago at this time was preparing to get upstaged by M.I.A.'s middle digit at her own Super Bowl Halftime Show is inviting us into her workout room.

Basically, in a world where more and more citizens of wealthy countries are putting on added mass, the Material Girl is entering the lucrative weight-loss business. Her "global luxury fitness brand," Hard Candy Fitness, today announced it will open a three-story, 13,000-square-foot workout club called Hard Candy Fitness Rome, right across from the Eternal City's ancient Colosseum. We imagine the gym will include classes for yoga and pilates, and rooms full of hotties, and most likely you'll be able check out all the bodies. (That joke decoded here.)

For those of us not fabulous enough to be in Rome anytime soon so we can enjoy the fitness club's built-in espresso bar (!), Madge also offers her Addicted to Sweat DVD series. That's right, of all the possible Madonna-related names (Like a Virgin Fitness?), she went with Addicted to Sweat. The executors of Robert Palmer's estate must be kicking themselves right now.

And for those of us who haven't yet gotten around to ordering the Addicted to Sweat DVDs — so long, New Year's resolutions — there's the three-minute trailer above. Madonna's workout routine evidently involves everything from multicultural dances ("The Electric Slide" is one) to impossible-looking, chair-based "jawbreaker" exercises.

But the best reason for all of this to exist comes at the end of the trailer, when a towel-draped queen of pop utters the words we're all wishing we'd used as our senior yearbook quotes: "No sweat, no candy." While you savor that one for a moment, we're just thankful she never says anything about no-sweat espresso.

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