Gaming 2003: 30 Ways To Love Your Lever

In the annals of videogame history, this is the year before the year before the year. In 2005, you will be having your rods and cones incapacitated by the output of your PlayStation 3 and Xbox 2. In 2004, you will be having your neurons fried by the final wave of groundbreaking titles designed for your soon-to-be-obsolete 128-bit machines. This year, you’ll be turning your crank. Okay, so the situation isn’t really that dire. It’s true that several of the games we so eagerly hoped would get us through the doldrums of 2003 have been postponed until at least the next Summer Olympics. But that’s no reason to put down your controller and step into the cold, uncaring daylight. If you’re looking to do battle with aliens, vampires, Nazis, or alien vampire Nazis, you’ll still be able to -- in some of the most exciting titles ever burned onto a disc. Introducing the 30 hottest new games of 2003, ranked according to the only methodology that matters: how excited we are to get our hands on ’em.

 

30 MTV's CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH
(Gotham Games -- GC, PC, PS2, Xbox) Wondering whatever became of Carrot Top or Anna Nicole Smith -- or Celebrity Deathmatch, for that matter? They're back in this claymation-style fighting game in which 25 pop-culture icons (including Marilyn Manson and the 'N Sync boys) slap one another with far more than restraining orders. We can hardly wait for the E! True Hollywood Story game.

29 MARIO KART: DOUBLE DASH!!
(Nintendo -- GC) The portly plumber indulges his appetite... for vehicular homicide! Pair up signature Nintendo characters (including Donkey Kong and a guy made of mushrooms) and race them around psychedelic surroundings. As many as eight online players can blast one another with colorful power-ups (and off-color language) while reducing the company's beloved

28 DEAD MAN'S HAND
(Atari -- Xbox) While you wait another four to five months (at least) for Halo 2, try channeling your frustration into this Xbox-exclusive shooter. Donning the boots of angry gunslinger El Tejon, you'll prowl the Wild West in pursuit of the gang that left you for buzzard bait. Dead Man's Hand truly soars in online multiplayer mode, where you play capture the flag with Bowie knives, Gatling guns, and cannons. Yee-haw!

27 STARSKY & HUTCH
(Gotham Games -- PC, PS2, Xbox) Because the rights to Columbo were apparently too expensive, the bell-bottomed detective duo comes to consoles in this driving/shooting hybrid. Fight crime in the era of disco, with plenty of help from your shmoove sidekick Huggy Bear and a nifty two-person interface (one player operates the wheel, the other pulls the trigger). But first, feather your hair, honky.

26 AMERICAN IDOL
(Codemasters -- PC, PS2) You're spared the sight of Clay Aiken in this home version of the popular TV series, but judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson are all over it. Mercifully, there's no singing involved -- you work your way up the ranks by tapping buttons in time to the music. Rest assured that if you suck, Cowell will still let you know it.

25 GRADIUS V
(Konami -- PS2) Another blaster from the past is brought back to blow your freakin' mind. Pilot the Vic Viper spacecraft against alien armadas, blah, blah, blah. What's really important here is Gradius' super-tight gameplay, ridiculous graphics, and arsenal of futuristic weapons. Lasers! Volcanoes! Eyeballs the size of planets!

24 BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
(Vivendi Universal -- PS2, Xbox) Though you probably weren't alive to appreciate this '70s Star Wars wannabe, Galactica has aged better than you have in this 21st-century makeover. The evil Cylons are now gleaming and sinister, and outer-space explosions look like they cost more than $2 to create. Bonus: Original Battle stars Dirk Benedict and Richard Hatch return from the ether to help you vanquish villainy.

23 WWE SMACKDOWN! HERE COMES THE PAIN
(THQ -- PS2) Lie, cheat, steal, and occasionally wrestle your way to victory through scripted story lines and rigged matches, including the brutal Elimination Chamber and ever-popular Bra & Panty match. Choose your grappler from a roster of more than 50 superstars, including Tourette's-afflicted glamour-puss Goldust, jacked-up Eminem wannabe John Cena, and old-school un-PC legend the Iron Sheik.

22 VIEWTIFUL JOE
(Capcom -- GC) Punkish film buff Joe gets himself sucked into the movies and is forced to fight baddies to the death, warping time and pulling out wicked combos in cel-shaded style. As the barely intelligible title implies, this one's a direct translation of an Asian hit -- it's gorgeous to look at but leaves you wondering: Do the Japanese experience reality differently than we do?

21 JAK II
(Sony -- PS2) A once-cutesy platform game turns downright sinister in this sequel to 2001's hit Jak and Daxter. Our hero, Jak, has been subjected to all sorts of scientific experiments since the last episode, and his revenge on his captors ain't gonna be pretty. But at least his weasel-like sidekick, Daxter, is still voiced by Max Casella (a.k.a. Doogie Howser's Vinnie Delpino). Bloody good fun.

20 SOCOM II: U.S. NAVY SEALS
(Sony -- PS2) Now boasting more abbreviations than any other game in its class, this sequel to last year's militaristic hit continues the exploits of the members of the elite Special Operations Command as they kick butt in mission-based action and online multiplayer campaigns, where up to 16 SEALs can gleefully frag one another. Fun for the whole family -- even if your family's as big as the Waltons.

19 XIII
(Ubi Soft -- GC, PC, PS2, Xbox) Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Like Kevin Costner in JFK, your job in this first-person shooter is to figure out who killed our president -- only in this conspiracy-riddled game, with cel-shaded visuals straight out of a graphic novel, it just might have been you. David Duchovny voices your weapons-savvy amnesiac, so we're pretty sure the truth is out there.

18 KARAOKE REVOLUTION
(Konami -- PS2) From the people who taught a generation to get down with Dance Dance Revolution: While you're singing into a headset, the game actually rates how accurately you're warbling Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings" or Huey Lewis' "The Power of Love," eliminating all potential for public embarrassment and making this one of three activities in life that's more fun to do alone than with other people.

17 BEYOND GOOD & EVIL
(Ubi Soft -- PC, GC, PS2, Xbox) What this imaginative adventure has to do with Friedrich Nietzsche's treatise on morality we're not sure. But even the ubermensch would appreciate this tale of a futuristic reporter and her porky assistant, who solve puzzles and snap photos while struggling to save a planet in the midst of an alien invasion. More action than all four volumes of Thus Spake Zarathustra.

16 SSX3
(Electronic Arts -- GC, PS2, Xbox) Like a young Bret Easton Ellis, you'll hit the powder hard in this snowboarding simulation. Airdogs, grommets, and huckers can test out their gear (and lingo) on a mountain environment teeming with hidden collectibles and trippy, psychedelic backdrops (not counting whatever you see when you accidentally slam into an errant evergreen).

15 JAMES BOND 007: EVERYTHING OR NOTHING
(Electronic Arts -- GC, PS2, Xbox) This original James Bond adventure is intent on providing the "everything" promised in its title, with a character modeled on current 007 Pierce Brosnan, an all-new Bond girl played by American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth, and a theme song from R&B chanteuse Mya. Plus, ?if you ask nicely, maybe George Lazenby will come over to your house and play it with you.

14 METAL GEAR SOLID: THE TWIN SNAKES
(Konami -- GC) Screw P. Diddy -- Konami is reinventing the remix with a GameCube-enhanced version of the original Metal Gear Solid. Much-improved graphics and sound -- plus hero Solid Snake's ability to hang from ledges -- have been added to the classic stealth adventure that's sure to keep purists happy and series creator Hideo Kojima distracted from finishing the long-long-long-awaited Metal Gear Solid 3.

13 CALL OF DUTY
(Activision -- PC) Hearkening back to the golden age of war, when the U.S. was always the good guy and we always won, Call of Duty is an ambitious first-person shooter with 24 WWII-themed missions. Earn your stripes first as an American paratrooper, then as a British Special Forces operative, then as a Russian tank commander, and finally as the star of your own Spielberg movie.

12 TRUE CRIME: STREETS OF L.A.
(Activision -- GC, PS2, Xbox) If you thought Vice City was a tough town, take a ride through Los Angeles, whose freeways and byways are re-created in this driving/fighting action epic featuring a rogue ex-cop dispensing justice to the Russian and Chinese mobs. The voices of Gary Oldman and Christopher Walken, plus beats from Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg, provide further layers of simulated Grit(tm).

11 FINAL FANTASY X-2
(Square Enix U.S.A. -- PS2) This continuation of the Final Fantasy X story line features a scantily clad female cast searching for the ultimate spring-break bash! Oh, wait -- that's our final fantasy. FFX-2 finds heroine Yuna in search of her true love, Tidus, while saving the world along the way. More of the fine RPG-ery you've come to expect.

10 DRAGON BALL Z: BUDOKAI 2
(Atari -- PS2) More cel-shaded mayhem pits 29 of the Dragon Ball Z anime characters against an evil fighter with the intimidating name of Buu. If playing a spiky-coiffed martial artist in a dress doesn't do it for you, try playing God, by fusing two characters together to form an all-new combatant with even more preposterous powers and hairstyles.

9 PROJECT GOTHAM RACING 2
(Microsoft -- Xbox) One of the Xbox's best launch titles gets a fuel injection. Stylish maneuvers are still gratingly rewarded with "kudos" points, but the game gets kudos of its own for its online capability, the full-throttle speed camera, and a trunkload of new courses, including Edinburgh, Florence, and Washington, D.C. Wave hi to the vice president, if you can find him!

8 STAR WARS ROGUE SQUADRON III: REBEL STRIKE
(LucasArts -- GC) It's been approximately 3.7 milliseconds since the last Star Wars game was released, but this one was worth the wait. Rebel Strike lets you combat the Empire in all new ways: Battle the monstrous AT-ATs on foot, take to the back of your tauntaun, or pilot a speeder bike through the forests of Endor and make the Ewoks eat your dust.

7 PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME
(Ubi Soft -- GC, PC, PS2, Xbox) Dust off your genie pants as you leap, swing, and swashbuckle your way through this radically reworked update of the old Apple IIe keyboard buster. The Sands grant you power to manipulate the clock to your liking. Fall in a pit of spikes? Rewind time and try again. Too many sand creatures? Speed yourself up and run like the wind.

6 FINAL FANTASY XI
(Square Enix U.S.A. -- PC, PS2) For the first time ever, PC and PlayStation 2 owners can mingle -- and mangle -- together in a massive online realm. The latest entry in the long-running role-?playing franchise lets you create characters and battle monsters in a fantasy world that's open 24/7. Colossal time commitment (and monthly subscription fee) required, catheter optional.

5 CASTLEVANIA: LAMENT OF INNOCENCE
(Konami -- PS2) Like Count Dracula himself, you just can't keep the 17-year-old Castlevania franchise down. From the same team that developed the PS1 classic Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, Lament of Innocence traces the roots of the heroic Belmont clan's holy war against the vampire and his bloodthirsty minions, finally bringing the series' whips and chains into the respectable world of 3-D.

4 THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING
(Electronic Arts -- GC, PC, PS2, Xbox) Can't hold out one more month for the last Lord of the Rings movie? Satisfy your hobbit jones with this brawler based on the upcoming blockbuster. Inhabit one of nine characters (including a badass-looking Gandalf) as you fight from Minas Tirith to the Black Gate and have the film experience absolutely ruined for you.

3 HALF-LIFE 2
(Vivendi Universal -- PC) It ain't easy being bespectacled nerd Gordon Freeman, the scientist who accidentally unleashed alien mayhem in the seminal 1998 shooter Half-Life and tried -- in vain -- to save Earth. Oops, he's done it again in the years-in-development sequel, which boasts even ookier creatures and more photorealistic graphics ("photorealistic" being a speculative term when dealing with space aliens).

2 MANHUNT
(Rockstar Games -- PS2) The Grand Theft Auto geniuses sneak themselves into the action-stealth genre with this twisted, darkly humorous, and utterly violent story about a convicted death-row inmate who becomes the moving target in a wealthy madman's goon hunt. In the game you have the option of hiding, fighting, or fleeing, but in reality, the only choice is to mess your pants -- it's that scary.

1 TONY HAWK'S UNDERGROUND
(Activision -- GC, PS2, Xbox) The great-granddaddy of skateboarding sims -- not to mention skateboarders -- finds a way to reinvent the wheel yet again. Create your own skater and customize him with unique tricks and a scan of your face; then set him loose in an increasingly challenging series of street and skate-park scenarios. Repeat until famous and swimming in a pile of videogame endorsement money.