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Caucasian Invasion: The Whitest Kids U’ Know

Calling your sketch-comedy troupe the Whitest Kids U' Know seems like a good way to get yourselves stereotyped. Done. So we asked the funny fivesome to come up with the ten most melanin-free songs of all time.

SPIN iconSPIN Staff // February 1, 2008

“Informer”
Snow
A Canadian rapper who tries to sound Rastafarian, but his asshole Canadian accent keeps getting in the way.
Dear Snow (back in time): Please don’t make any more albums.
Dear Snow (present day): Thank you.

“Fire and Rain”
James Taylor
If you listen to James Taylor all day, a John Denver record sounds like Public Enemy.

“Minuet in G”
Johann Sebastian Bach
OMG, Bach! Does every song have to be in 4/4 time? Jeez! Put some soul in there. We bet Johann never even met a black person.

“Gin and Juice”
Snoop Dogg
This is the one song white kids who don’t listen to rap bring up when you tell them they don’t listen to rap. Then they show you their Pharcyde CD.

“Tenderly Kissing a Crystal Horse in a Room Made of Clouds”
Moby
We don’t know if this is the title of an actual Moby song [Editor’s note: It’s not], but all his shit’s named like that. This guy needs to eat a burger and drink a beer. His music is so white you’re not allowed to listen to it after Labor Day.

“I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac”
Hulk Hogan
Just kidding! This shit is tight! Bitches drop their panties when they hear the Hulkster!

“Baby’s Got Sauce”
G. Love & Special Sauce
G. Love sucks. If you see a black guy at a G. Love concert, he’s probably a spy sent to assassinate him. Godspeed black spies!

“Beverly Hills”
Weezer
This is what Jared the Subway guy listens to as he drinks Mike’s Hard Lemonade and folds his laundry.

“Kiss From a Rose”
Seal
We’re pretty sure that Seal is just being black ironically.

Their Entire Catalogs
Phish, Matchbox Twenty, and Creed
A three-way tie! Congrats, guys! Everyone who listens to this should be quarantined on a small island and nuked, and then no one should be allowed to record music on that spot for the next 75 years.

The second season of The Whitest Kids U’ Know premieres on the Independent Film Channel on February 10; the DVD of season one is out February 5.