JULY 5: INDIANAPOLIS

Andy Granelli: First day of the tour. We were all really excited to play. We got ready: I stretched, Brody warmed up, Ryan drank a beer, and Tony smoked. Then God spat rain and wind from his anus, and they canceled our set. We cried like little babies. Actually, it was okay, because we spent the day getting used to everything. It's strange to be munching on a tuna-and-potato-chipper and have Chris Cornell walk by with the Audioslave guys in tow. It's even stranger to have them look over and say "Hey."

Brody Armstrong: First day of Lollapalooza and we get rained out. I made friends with some people from Indianapolis who brought me moonshine, which makes your face pucker on the spot. It gets you drunk within one minute. They told me to take a sip, but I gulped it.

Tony Bradley: Tonight was fucking awesome. We hung out with the guys from Queens of the Stone Age and had all this vodka and beer and White Castle. Josh [Homme, who is dating Brody] bought a giant box of fireworks, and we lit them off while sitting by a manmade lake at the hotel.

Ryan Sinn: I remember getting up and tripping trying to get away from things exploding in my face. A few kids threw water balloons at us, so we threw some stuff back at them until they ran away.

JULY 8: KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI

Brody: Today, we played our first show. It was hot, and it sucked. First shows always suck. It takes a lot to get in the rhythm.

Andy: I think it was 500 degrees outside, which is possibly an understatement. Before our show [on the second stage], I caught some of Steve-O from Jackass' act. He stapled bras to his ass, cut his tongue with a broken lightbulb, drank tequila, and vomited. He got the best crowd response of the day. I tried to talk to him, but to be honest, I'm afraid of hep C.

Tony: After Steve-O puked up tequila shots, I thought, "How are we going to follow this guy?" It was a rough set, but there were a bunch of Distillers fans singing along and enjoying the new songs. One kid came up and said, "The new songs are great. I don't give a fuck that people are saying you guys are selling out."

JULY 9: ST. LOUIS

Andy: Today we just tried to stay cool, but there was no place to go that wasn't a million degrees. For fun, I tried to sign up for this modeling agency that had a booth on the grounds. The models weren't amused. Then again, I don't think models get amused. We ended the night hanging out with a couple of the Donnas, watching Jane's Addiction. Dave Navarro has Louis Vuitton guitar straps.

JULY 11: MILWAUKEE

Brody: No show today. I'm sick. I went to the hospital with a chest infection and a fever. I had to give a urine sample, and there was a crack in the bottom of the urine cup, and my piss was dripping all over the floor.

Andy: Nothing happened today. I think I might pierce my belly button out of boredom.

JULY 12: CHICAGO

Ryan: The only cool thing I did all day was watch one of the Donnas light her guitar on fire.

JULY 16: CINCINNATI

Andy: We had two days off in Cincinnati, so we went to this bar called the Cock and Balls, or something like that. The guys from Cave In were there and some of the tour's mystical sideshow types. I learned a lesson: Don't give a hippie 20 bucks for pot. All you'll get in return are pseudo good vibes and a hangout session in a yurt.

JULY 18: DETROIT

Tony: We had a rad show. I did a Ted Nugent impersonation, yelling at the crowd and shaking like a mad dude. I think the audience was too young to get it, but some old guy in the back screamed, "Yeah, Nugent!"

Andy: After the show, we spent some time with the Funeral Director. He's actually a DJ in [Kool Keith's latest project] Thee Undatakerz who wears a mask, cape, and batting gloves. Some of the dudes from QOTSA got these killer scooters and were putting around backstage.

JULY 20: CLEVELAND

Brody: The show today sucked. We switched to the main stage and had to adjust because it was giant. We're used to small clubs, which is kind of where we excel. The whole amphitheater was wood-paneled.

Andy: It looked like your uncle's cabin at the river. It smelled like mothballs and mayonnaise.

Ryan: Five minutes before we were to go on, the production guys wouldn't let us hang our banner because we didn't have some fucking certificate saying it was fireproof. Our manager Stu said, "Hold on," and within eight minutes, that thing was up. Stu held a lighter to the banner to prove that it wouldn't catch fire. The production dude was cool with that, but as he started to walk away, the banner was kind of burning. Oops!

JULY 21: NEW YORK CITY

Brody: Andy Wallace [who mixed Nirvana's

Nevermind] is mixing our record. I told him what I wanted to hear without expecting him to actually respect my opinion. When we came back a few hours later to hear music, he had done exactly what I said. He heard it from my perspective and had gone beyond it. I was really impressed.

JULY 23: HOLMDEL, NEW JERSEY

Brody: Today was Tony's birthday. We had a photo shoot for New Musical Express and got into a huge beer fight on these golf carts that we had stolen. I smelled like beer for the rest of the day. The drowned-beer-rat look. Real attractive. Our A&R guy, Craig, drove us back to the city in his minivan after the show, and Tony took my Gatorade bottle and peed in it.

Tony: I had to pee really bad! I felt pretty terrible when I found out that Craig had rented the minivan for his family.

JULY 24: NEW YORK CITY

Brody: CBGB tonight. It was amazing to stand on the same stage as Blondie, the Ramones, Richard Hell, and the fuckin' New York Dolls. It was one of the most fun shows I've ever played in my life, and I sweated my fucking skin off. The crowd blew me away. It was scary and awesome and intense all at the same time. This dumbass held up a sign that said TAKE TIM BACK [Brody's estranged husband is Rancid's Tim Armstrong], so I kicked him in the head. All the kids around him cheered when I did it. I did't realize how hard I kicked him until I saw his head wobble. I was like, "Oh, shit. Not a good sign."

Ryan: CBGB was fucking crazy. While we were sitting on the bus out front, I saw Rob Halford walk by the club wearing a chartreuse polo shirt. That was the icing on the cake. The show was insanely awesome. The only bad thing was that I looked at these photos a friend took and thought, "I really need to lose some weight." I've probably been drinking a little too much.

Tony: I was totally stoked to be playing our own show at night, because playing at 2:30 in the afternoon [at Lollapalooza] can be rough. Cristina Martinez from Boss Hog was there. It blew my mind because I've had a crush on her for a long time and she looked even more beautiful in person. It was the best show I've ever played. Kids were singing all the songs back to us.

Brody: In the van back to the hotel, I slapped Andy. We invented the Slapping Game a few years ago, where you just keep slapping each other until you want to beat the shit out of each other. I'm a total fuckin' masochist. The surprise was he slapped me back. It was the greatest! I went to slap him again, and everyone freaked out.

JULY 25: BOSTON

Tony: I used to live in Boston, so I got to see my mom and my sister. I think they were blown away by [the show], because you try to explain to your parents what you do, but when they actually see it, they understand.

Brody: I love Tony's mother. She's a fabulous Rhode Island Italian mama who has balls the size of Russia. She emasculated him and sent him my way. I emasculated him, and now he's a man.

JULY 28-29: NEW YORK CITY

Brody: Three photo shoots today. I did the cover of Women Who Rock magazine. It's strange that I'm going to be on the cover of a magazine. I feel like I'm on this train that doesn?t have any stops. You just stay on and watch the scenery go by. The whole tour has been like that. Then I did this other shoot where I was called a "future legend," which was weird. It would be totally fucking arrogant for me to say, "I'm a future legend." Johnny Cash is a legend. Debbie Harry is a legend. Patti Smith is a legend. They've all made their imprint. I definitely don't see myself as a legend. I can't tell the future. I could die tomorrow, and it could all fuckin' be over.

JULY 30: WANTAGH, NEW YORK

Brody: Today's show at Jones Beach [amphitheater] was terrible. We took a wrong turn and got there 15 minutes before we were supposed to go on. I gave the crowd the finger at the end of the show.

Ryan: Worst show of the tour. Whoever designed Jones Beach needs to be kicked in the nuts. It's shaped like a baseball diamond, but there's no grass. There's no vibe--you don't connect with anyone. To get to the stage you have to go through this tunnel that obviously wasn't sealed very well, because there was all this gross, murky water and it smelled horrid. Security were a bunch of fucking dickheads. It was one of those days where I thought, "Man, can I just catch a fuckin' break?" Then I noticed all my gear was set up backward.

AUGUST 1: WASHINGTON, D.C.

Ryan: My fiancee, Heather, left today, and I'm bummed. I'm not going to see her again for a month. I took her to the airport, and the guy from the venue who drove me back was telling me about his upbringing in Haiti, watching people get hacked to death in the streets. The whole way back to the hotel, I'm bumming that I just dropped off my fiancee and that I'm hearing this guy's story. I needed a stiff drink.

Tony: I partied all day after the show. QOTSA's merchandise girl, Anna, introduced me to my new favorite drink--vodka, ginger beer, and a generous amount of wine. I drank several of those, and we ended the night dancing. I passed out on the couch in the dressing room.

Andy: Tony was getting belligerent in the catering room and tried to throw a chair.He was so drunk we got him to squat and piss. He squatted over a giant puddle, and it looked like he pissed all over the place.

AUGUST 3: ATLANTA

Brody: We did an interview for CNN today, and I don't think I said a goddamn word. The boys did all the talking. It was total comedy.

Andy: My girlfriend, Katie, was in town, so we went to some bars. Some fucking hippie tried to spray her drink over someone, and it got on us. I tried to teach the girl a lesson on how not to be a jackass at a bar, but I was too drunk to explain it properly, so she walked away. Dumb hippie.

AUGUST 4: DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA

Ryan: Day off. We went to the boardwalk on the beach and tried to rent scooters, but the place was closed. We walked back, and I figured I would buy a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. It started to rain, and we had the brilliant idea of jumping in the ocean. Only two of us had bathing suits, so Tony put on Katie's panties. Tony conned me into giving him my swim trunks and having me swim in my underpants. I didn't give a shit--I was drinking Mad Dog! The lifeguards sent us away because of lightning, so we all ran for the hotel pool. Tony and I had to pee, so we got out, peed our pants, and jumped back in the pool. It's pretty hard to be discreet when you have yellow streams coming out of your shorts.

AUGUST 6: WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA

Ryan: Brody and Tony went to New York to master the record. Andy and his girl went to Miami for a few days off, and I'm staying on the bus, traveling. The air conditioner broke, and it was a fucking hot night. I think I've been sweating nonstop since Atlanta. We drove to Baton Rouge. I caught a frog and named him Chirpy.

AUGUST 6: NEW YORK CITY

Brody: Tony and I went to Motor City Bar on the Lower East Side and got milked and danced to R&B and soul all night. Then we had an argument in the cab and sat on the sidewalk and yelled at each other. We stayed at the Hudson--the dog-box hotel. I don't know if [hotelier] Ian Schrager has ever stayed in any of his fuckin' rooms, but I think he needs to. I kept waiting for someone to knock on my door and give me a bone.

AUGUST 8: DALLAS

Andy: I flew to Dallas today to meet up with everyone. I went to Tony and Ryan's room to order food so I wouldn't have to pay for it. I ate, barfed, and passed out at 11:30 P.M.

Brody: The air-conditioning on the bus broke down. It was 120 million degrees in there, and all my lipsticks melted. I refused to go on the bus, because it was cooler outside than it was in there.

Ryan: I saw Vinnie Paul from Pantera cruising around the venue parking lot. It was fucking amazing. Our show was really good. Brody was really happy with it, but I think I sounded like ass. I was sick, so I could hardly talk, let alone sing.

AUGUST 10: HOUSTON

Brody: Our last show. It was definitely the best one of the tour. Perry [Farrell] came out and introduced us. I was so nervous--I was shaking the entire time. But it was totally fun. Everyone was watching our set, which probably made me more nervous, because I couldn't look to either side of the stage. We're going to have a little party before we go. We got to hang out with the Burning Brides and the Donnas a lot on this tour. We all got along really well. I will definitely miss all the faces and the tour camaraderie.

Tony: Perry called Brody the sexiest woman in rock.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Ryan: Holy shit, I think our roadie was getting it on in the shower. Gross!

Andy: Tony and I went to eat at Denny's after the show. As we're walking out, Tony made a comment about the heat. This jock was walking in with his girlfriend and looks at us and says, "What did you say, faggot?" We ended up fighting him. He punched Tony square in the teeth, so I beat the shit out of him and bashed his grill into the pavement. Then the cops came. We tried to get him busted for assault, but it would have been a pain in the ass. So we just went back to the hotel and went to bed. By the way, I told the cops that I was in Audioslave to try and pull more water. It didn't work.

AUGUST 11: LONDON

Brody: Tony came into my room yesterday with giant lips. It looked like he'd had 40 [collagen] injections in the same spot. He told me what happened at Denny's. If I had been there, I would have slit that jock's throat from ear to ear. Unbelievable. The trip over here was hell. I wanted to upgrade to first class, but it was $3,900. Fuck you, Continental Airlines. So I was standing there, tempted to [upgrade], when Andy came up and said, "Dude, imagine how many pairs of shoes you can buy with $3,900." He was totally right.