On this day in 1986, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were born. And though the fashion mavens probably would prefer not to be reminded of it, they have, mostly through their ridiculously successful VHS series, contributed many musical numbers to the world. Their greatest hits have already been cataloged on not one but two compilations, but seeing as they were released on CD and cassette only, we took the honors of compiling a fresh best-of list. Happy birthday, ladies! May your next 26 years be equally prosperous. Don’t mind our exclusion of the well-intentioned yet kinda racist “Piñata Party”!
Note: Though the Olsen Twins obviously had a prosperous movie career past age 11, the soundtracks were entirely comprised of non-twin songs. They peaked early, musically speaking.
10. “Our Dog Has Eaten Our Homework”
From: The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: The Case of the Hotel Who-Done-It, 1996
In the Olsen twins’ world (of, presumably, home-schooling), 10 year olds get assigned 20-page, month-long projects on foreign countries! Bonus points for matching jacket/vest combos and getting that Basset hound to wear those Elton shades.
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9. “Nothing To Do”
From: The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: The Case of the Logical I Ranch, 1994
The theme of boredom runs rampant throughout the Olsen twins’ on-camera careers, and this early track encapsulates it entirely. Just look at those sunglasses! That eight-year-old ennui!
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Dt1anWf9UoA
8. “Makeover Machine”
From: You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Birthday Party, 1997
“The best look of all / is the one that’s your own / hang the others on the wall / leave your true face alone!” is as close to empowerment as a song about makeovers has ever known. Plus, one of them does the robot!
https://youtube.com/watch?v=2MGTXpPYOM0
7. “Ice Cream Crazy”
From: You’re Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Ballet Party, 1998
NYC Mayor Bloomberg might disagree, but this doo-wop paean to diabetes sundaes and poodle skirts is perhaps the twins’ best singing performance to date.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=oxLRxe48dew
6. “Meet You At the Mall”
From: You’re Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Mall Party, 1998
Ah, the magic of first-world excess. Start at 2:30 to experience the wonders of 1990s consumerism, as seen through the eyes of toy-obsessed 11-year-olds twins left (terrible job, babysitting cousin!) to their own devices in the Mall of America. (Not to be confused with this mall anthem.)
https://youtube.com/watch?v=AuInUOg-SNw
5. “No One Tells the President What to Do”
From: The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: Our First Video, 1993
Except, you know, Congress, the Judicial branch, and the American voters. Fun (uncomfirmed) fact: this Bill Clinton impersonator was never to be seen again.
4. “I’d Rather Be Surfing”
From: You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Beach Party
Two words: “Shaka, brah!” (The 1990s’ obsession with California begins at 4:06 below.)
3. “Brother For Sale”
From: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: Our First Video, 1993
Imagining how embarrassing this song must have made for Mary-Kate and Ashley’s real-life older brother Trent among his peers is totally eclipsed by the ludicrously expensive marketing campaign they put together in order to traffic him as a chore-doing slave sell him for 10 cents. Considering how much the twins are currently raking in, we’ll call it their Edison phase.
2. “I Am the Cute One”
From: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: Our First Video, 1993
While there’s something vaguely horrifying about two six-year-old sisters putting each other down for their appearances (there’s a slowed version that mirrors, if not addresses, that horror), “Cute One” is one of the most iconic MK and Ash tunes — their “breakout,” if you will.
1. “Gimme Pizza (High Times Version)”
From: You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Sleepover Party, 1995, “remixed” in 2010
Undoubtedly the most prevalent Mary-Kate and Ashley-related meme that has ever surfaced on the Internet, the chopped-and-screwed version of “Gimme Pizza” is not for the faint of heart, or for those who wish to preserve the innocence of these ex-child stars safely in their heads.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=9fL_n3F8JYQ
